DUMB SHIT ON TIGERNET: VOLUME 8

Reminder: while Oktoberfest has been going on in Deutschland since September 16, it’s just about to begin at your local pub. In Atlanta, hit up the Brick Store Pub in Decatur on October 7^th for the keg tapping.

Umm... uh... can't think.... uh.... wow.

Another reminder. I knock a lot of messageboards because they are run by overzealous administrators who zap posts on a whim and tone down the content to a PG level “for the children.” If you want a great messageboard that rises above the rest check out The Rant. Please, we need some more Clemson people on there; every other registered user has Dawg in their name. There’s even a Wine Drinking Dawg, shit you not. While I wasn’t aware UGA fans had graduated above MD 20/20, I applaud the effort. I think Willy Mac’s new name on that site is gonna be Fondue Loving Tiger.

If you are a Clemson of a Georgia fan you should be familiar with the nuclear bomb of all USC football arguments: This is South Carolina Football, a thick meaty slab of irrefutable fact compiled by a UGA fan. It’s a giant can of RAID that stops cocks dead. There is now an equivalent diatribe to refute the slew of Wake Forest fans that’ve grown cocky over their relative success over Clemson in recent years. This isn’t a dumb post; it’s a bitingly true post that was so noteworthy I had to include it. It’s worth it just for the total douchefactor of the last line of the rant: “Wake Forest’s most famous football alum is Brian Piccolo, who is best known for dying of cancer at the age of 26.” PWNED.

This Clemson fan is a fucking BALLER.

I’ve gotta figure that at least half of all reported cases of spontaneous combustion are due to football fans dreaming up the most wild and fantastical hypothetical questions to confound their fellow fans. “Would you rather have AIDS and sideline passes to a Clemson-Virginia Tech ACC Championship Game or just be HIV positive but only have upper deck seats?” FOOOM!

This week the Gamecocks took on the Auburn Tigers while Clemson faces the mighty Louisiana Tech Snappin’ Mudbugs. The disparity in competition led many Clemson posters to be preoccupied with all things Gamecock. More so than usual. This posters shows us that yes, some things can be taken too far. If you seriously get into an argument with another fan over whose team has the hottest coach & wife combo, please immediately throw yourself off the nearest overpass. Also, I didn’t know STEVO was into interspecies erotica.

This post was zapped within five minutes of being posted, and with good reason. This guy and Carlos Mencia prove that racist jokes aren’t always funny.

While Tigernet was buzzing with Carolina chatter prior to the game, it absolutely asploded the next day. Here is a snapshot of the Tigernet Board sidebar on the front page of Tnet with a handy chart of what each post is hollering about. Notice, please, only two Clemson posts, one about Wake Forest wearing all-black for our game next weekend, and another (for some reason) on Tyrone Prothro’s horrific injury last season.

Like last week, Tigernet provided a good 7 innings of quality pitching but couldn’t quite get the complete game. Again, I call up FGF from the bullpen to close this thing out. Carolina has been losing for so long they’ve actually created a mindset where some losses, okay, get ready for this one, where some losses… aren’t losses. Yeah, I know it’s tough to follow. It’s like your friend who’s got the monumentally long dry spell picking up strange ass downtown and considers it something of a victory when he manages to be sober enough to stay whiskey-dick free and rub out some knuckle children at the end of the night.

WE HAVE ARRIVED! Unfortunately, the destination was mediocrity.

Negating the on-sides kick would, at best estimate, cause the game to be tied up at 17-17. Apparently, that means the Gamecocks “win going away.” Wait, doesn’t that mean they blow Auburn out? Look I’m not even going to try and make any more lame jokes, just read this dumb shit.

Every week I pick one post that is just such a shining beacon of ignorance I just have to demolish it. Pick it apart down to the dark meat and suck the marrow from its bones. This is that post.

Wow. Where to start. Okay… here we go.

“Even though we lost, we won in a different way.” – Yes, in golf scoring. This is exactly what I’m talking about. This guy, several posts down, chastised other posters for claiming a moral victory, well what the fuck ‘different way’ of winning do you think he’s talking about here? Yeah, that different way of winning that South Carolina is the perennial champion of. South Carolina won in the same way that Stephen Hawking is a master of poppin-and-lockin.

“We found character” – Cough... cough..meaningless football cliche... cough..

“Wins and losses come and go” – A lot more of one than the other for you guys, other than that, this is pretty much a factual statement.

“Teamwork builds future winning programs” – Translation: wait ‘til next year!

“It will build the foundation for future teams” – Yes, there are players on this team who will stay until next year and play on future Gamecock teams. Astute observation. Translation: wait ‘til next year!

“The Ole Ball Coach is back and he was the Evil Genius again!” – It takes a genius to order his team to lob a wounded duck of a pass into double coverage to Sidney Rice. Somewhere, Reggie Ball is smiling.

“Folks, Gamecock fottball is about to get really good” – WELL THEY’VE BEEN WAITING 100 FUCKING YEARS. Also, while I don’t doubt that Gamecock ‘fottball’ is about to get good, their football is still going to suck. Translation: wait ‘til next year!

“I PLAY GOLF LIKE A GENTLEMAN BUT I DRESS TO KILL” – I don’t even know what this is supposed to mean, but if I ever heard anyone say this in person, even if it was my father or grandfather or a child or an infirm person or a retard, I would have to strike them about the face and body with my two fists.

Well, this poster here is taking things rather realistically. If I woke up one day and found out I was a Gamecock fan I’d probably cry and break shit too. “I hope they all die on the bus ride home.” – Well that might be kind of awesome; they’d be wandering around the afterlife like that football team in Beetlejuice. I bet Irons would nail Miss Venezuela.

Just when I thought this guy was realistic. Holy shit. Oh yeah, you guys can win the SEC easy. By easy, I mean Georgia dropping three conference games and Florida self destructing. That’s totally gonna happen. Just the fact that this guy has the kind of dumb optimism that his team can still easily win the conference makes me want to bite his nose off and spit it back in his face.

That’s all for this week. If you see any posts on pretty much any messageboard, let me know, I’ll slap them up here and credit you.

CLEMSON: BIG IN ASIA

Translation: SUPER HAPPY FUN TIME FOOTBALL. FOR GREAT JUSTICE.

LOUISIANA TECH GAME PREVIEW

La Tech (1-2) @ Clemson (3-1, 2-1 ACC), Saturday, September 30th, 7 PM, ESPNU, XM Satellite Radio

The Stats

Line: Clemson by 34.5
Clemson leads the all-time series 2-0, having previously met in 2002 and in the 2001 Humanitarian Bowl in Boise, Idaho. Clemson comes off a 52-7 spanking of the University of North Carolina while La Tech comes off a 45-14 beating at the hands of Texas A&M.

Edge goes to:

Offense: Clemson

Defense: Clemson

Special Teams: Clemson

Intangibles: Clemson, unless they are looking ahead to Wake Forest.

Statistical Stunners: Clemson sports some impressive numbers on offense this season. The Tigers average 426 yards per game, good for 19th in the nation. Their 41.5 points per game as a team ranks them at 3rd in the country. James Davis is tied for 3rd in the nation in individual scoring with 54 points, 13.5 a game. Clemson leads the ACC in total offense, rushing offense, scoring offense, first downs and third down conversion percentage. Clemson is tied for first in the ACC in allowing sacks. Clemson’s offensive line has given up just four in four games, tied with North Carolina and Georgia Tech.

Our panel of DFIG "experts" say:

Chili: Many people expected a letdown for the Tigers last week but they rose to the occasion and peckerslapped the boys in baby blue 52-7. While I am just as concerned about a letdown this week, especially with recent roadblock Wake Forest looming on the horizon, I think the Tigers will have absolutely no problem with La Tech. LTU sports a respectable pass offense that should keep Clemson on its toes. I expect to see a lot of action from our reserves again this week, with the running game excelling and perhaps a bit more emphasis put on our passing game than last week as we gear up for a probably undefeated WFU.
Clemson 49, La Tech 14

A graphical representation of this coming Saturday's game.

Willy Mac:

This game is going to be as one sided as a rabid wolverine in a cage with a kitten. I don't think Clemson will cover though. Vegas is like a little ADHD kid when it comes to spreading teams that aren't a biggun (Texas/USC/ND/etc). Oooh, Clemson scored a lot of points last week, this week they're gonna win by infinite (insert involuntary sugar seizure here)! I think it's kinda funny how there are always going to be teams that get beaten down. The only selling point is that you get a free education, but it's not even worth it in most cases. What would possess a person to go to La Tech just to get whupped up on in the fall for a free education? I only hope that Tommy does like he did last week and keep the big dogs on the field until the game is entirely out of hand (somewhere around 49 to 56 points). My favorite line from last weeks game via the announcers: "Clemson has put away the Dobermans and the Pit Bulls and they've brought out the puppies. UNC STILL can't match up." All cylinders will be running... expect an ass tanning. I don't expect them to beat the spread but I'm picking that they do.
Clemson 45, La Tech 6

Clemson DT Donnell Clark lines up against the La Tech Center.

DUMB SHIT ON TIGERNET: VOLUME 7

It’s been a challenge this week to find quality ignorant-ass posts on Tigernet to serve up to you all nice and toasty. Clemson fans have celebrated a thrilling last-second victory at Florida State and a beatdown of North Carolina that would make Buford T. Pusser salivate, but any comically expressed exuberance has been tempered by the memory of the BC game and the knowledge that Clemson has let us down in the past under Tommy. This careful mixture of humors has led most of the posts to be pretty realistic and down to earth. But as in nature there are always a couple of slow sheep to cull from the flock, and being the hypercritical wolf that I am, I’m gonna pounce. I do it for you, you know.

Insulting a guy is one thing. Pre-diagnosing said insult down to the most minute detail is a little gross. And this guy just confessed to the whole board that he once suffered from gout. I thought only lunchladies suffered from that.

This guy is taking fandom to a whole new level. Nowadays, you don’t just need to know a player’s height and weight, 40 time, and benchpress, you gotta know what his cock helmet looks like. Purple or pink? Cut or uncut? I don’t think I can compete with these sort of inquiring minds.

Here’s another gem of a post from Tigernet’s biggest moron, JD1stdown. Next time, instead of posting on Tigernet while drunk, you oughta get into your Brat and speed around till an oak tree jumps out in front of you. The only thing worse than posting dumb shit relentlessly is doing it drunk. Or maybe that makes it better, you decide.

raleigh. That’s all this post says. This could be a mongoloid who hasn’t grasped the concept of posting that you have to type what you want to post then hit enter. Or it is a carefully crafted communiqué signaling the start of a worldwide conspiratorial assassination attempt. Yeah, it’s probably the first thing. But really, as soon as somebody mentions Raleigh, I tune out completely so this post just saves him the time of typing out how much of a shitstain the city is.

Here’s another seemingly harmless post that may hide a dark secret. Why the quotation marks? Saying “music savvy” guys instead of music savvy guys makes me think he means hipsters or homosexuals. Same thing really. God only knows what “music parodies” would mean in that case, but these “parodies” would probably take place in rest areas or bath houses and lead to deeply repressed memories. Even if we take the post literally, no, Steve Spurrier’s lip smacking would in no way whatsoever make for a good parody song. If there is such a thing. And there’s not.

Now, again, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with somebody wanting to pray for people. But there is something wrong with somebody wanting to do it on a football messageboard and posting EVERY SINGLE DAY, just aching, begging for people to private message him. That’s fucking weird. This guy’s prayer posts fall to the ground with a thud on Tnet. Nobody replies. It’s like a fart in a crowded elevator, it’s there, there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s best just to ride the thing out and ignore it.

I’m biased, but I believe Clemson has the best stadium entrance in college football. Rubbing Howard’s Rock and running down the hill are original to Clemson, though not unique thanks to Maryland’s stupid turtle or BC’s eagle they now rub. USC’s entrance is just common. All there is to it. They run into the stadium through smoke to the tune of Thus Spake Zarathustra, better known as the 2001 theme. I am stunned that Zarathustra doesn’t come up as a spelling error in Word. Anyway, it’s high school. Wow, they play a unique song. Fantastic. This guy has taken the bait he probably found on FGF or a similar Gamecock board where some Kool Aid drinker has fantasized about what kind of fuckin’ badass opening USC could have. At least the most badass since the original members of Skynyrd left us. Helicopters bringing in USC players? I can see paddy wagons, that would be appropriate. But helicopters? Only if they call the new entrance Black Cocks Down.

While Tigernet was relatively slim pickins this week, Gamecock fans, always the introverts of the football world, ever delusional about their own abilities and ignorant of world outside Columbia, did not disappoint, and maybe, I can fit some more commas, into this sentence. With the kind of stupidity usually only found at System of a Down concerts, they provided me with some great filler to add to this week’s DSOT. Honestly, finding dumb shit on the Fighting Gamecocks Forum is like shooting fish in a barrel. A barrel also made of fish. And the gun's a fish too.

This thread is typical of Clemson-Carolina arguments. Their only crutch is the strength of their conference, a figure which they have lowered for years, and if you throw facts at their face they shrink down like lil’ George Costanza in cold water. My favorite part is the 2^nd post from 84USCGRAD, “forget your rankings and lets hear what you actually think.” Translation: your facts destroy my argument, so let’s just take this argument to the realm all Gamecocks rule: delusional, biased opinions devoid of “facts.”

This post is the single most incredible post I’ve ever seen. Now, the Gamecocks recently lost a big recruit to Notre Dame (amazing, I know) but instead of them chalking it up to the recruit waking up from a daze and realizing he was committed to a school with the football tradition of Briscoe County High School, they claim that he read negative messageboard posts and was so distraught that he decommitted. The spirit of FGF mortally wounded, this person is trying to make the most positive, uplifting post so that any recruit that would happen to read this would believe the fallacy that Gamecock fans are supportive and not at all critical of their team. Here is a picture of this poster, GamecockSpy. This bullshitting attitude that USC has the best fans in football is manifested in the fact that, yes, they sell out virtually every game, but the stadium is half empty by the third quarter. This post buys into the crap that every messageboard seems to believe; that recruits, players, and coaches everywhere read every post they make and look to the board for inspiration. A player, at most, will jus search for his name in articles and may very rarely check a board. A coach couldn’t give less of a damn, they are some of the busiest people in sports who aren’t named Alyssa Milano. Maybe the funniest thing here is that this poster is reaching out to nonexistent recruits reading the post and telling them to watch Thursday’s USC-Auburn game (beatdown in the making) because it’s “college football at its best.” If USC is college football at its best, then Duke is some unreachable hidden superteam on your copy of NCAA 07. The more I write, the more I distract you from seeing just how monumentally, fantastically ignorant this post is. Have at it:

KUDOS AND SHIT IN MY CHICKEN SALAD

The purpose of this post is to inform you wee people of my favorite college football trends to date. I can hardly see ya'll from my soap box. Also, check out www.scalpem.com and vote for Danny Ford in the poll.

Kudos

RUTGERS - That's right, I'm jumping on the band wagon and holding on for dear life. Expect me to leap the week they actually play a good opponent. This would probably be the Thursday night game against Louisville (Nov. 6 @ Rutgers). The jump off week could occur as early as the Navy game in two weeks (Oct. 14 @ Navy). Given the bye week to rest and tune up, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt. Another looming snake in the grass would be UConn (Oct. 29 @ Rutgers). The schedule after South Florida is a doozy. And for Rutgers fans, that's the schedule AFTER South Florida.

ARMY - These Knights are blacknot. These Knights are Black.............NOT (Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan in theaters Nov. 3). After a close loss to Texas A&M, I'm in. These guys have heart and I respect that because they're playing college football knowing that they will not go ot the next level. They've got heart, and for once in a long time, they seem as if they could go to a bowl two years in a row. This is a hard buy if they don't get seven wins because Army doesn't travel well and six wins with no fans or money isn't enough to make any shitty bowl select a team. The cadets will be happy though.

TEAMS SHITTING IN MY CHICKEN SALAD

I know that the FGF trolls google "Danny Ford, God, 'How to beat futility'" everyday, so go ahead and kindly fuck yourself if you're a Gamecock fan. This following is not biased... in the least.

SOUTH CAROLINA - I can't wait to see Auburn take care of any bit of hope Gamecock fans have on their season outlook. You gotta love the month of September. The Gamecocks are 3 - 1 (and in my opinion they should've gotten beaten by MSU if there had been a decent QB in the game) and now that October is rolling around, the SEC is prepared for it's annual mugging of USC. I can already here it, "the only reason Clemson won is cause we got beat up so badly." If you wanna beat us so bad, join a easier conference. I expect Kenny Irons to give USC payback for not letting him run the ball by... well, by running all over them. Unfortunately, Spurrier has lost the touch and will die a slow and painful death at USC. Let's just hope the USC playcaller doesn't let his team get so out of hand they start a fight they can't finish in his last game.

TENNESSEE - After a close win against Air Force (keep in mind, ESPN ranked Air Force as one of the bottom ten teams at the beginning of the season), and a close loss to a good Florida team, and an unimpressive win over a bad Marshall, Tennessee WILL lose again, soon and badly. This most likely will come against Georgia (Oct. 7 @ Georgia, ESPN, 7:45 PM). That is, if Georgia can sort out what happened at their embarrassing game this past Saturday against Colorado where they barely pulled out a W in the final minutes of the game.

The forecast for Gamecocks this weekend is lots of Kenny Irons in the endzone.

Chili's Piggy Back Post

The NC State Technician reports that swaying stands and raucous crowds aren't the only effects of stadium overcrowding. It seems that students were forced to stay in their seats for fear of not being readmitted into their section and resorted to pissing where they stood. Student body president Will Quick (great name, by the way) stated that everyone knew Wolfpack fans were way into watersports: "I have heard reports of individuals being splashed by urine."
NC State joins the University of Georgia in the elite league of proud stadium pissers. If you aren't sure what I mean, attend a game at Sanford Stadium and tell me you don't see people pissing off the edge of the upper deck at some point in the game.
Is the story here that Staters were pissing themselves or that any part of Carter-Finley is actually overcrowded?
Also, check out Baby Toupees. It's really creepy, but when I have a kid he's wearing a toupee until he gets a sensible coiffure on his soft lil noggin.

THE MACALLAN CUP: WEEK 4 STANDINGS, WEEK 5 PICK 10

Week 4 saw some stellar picks by our pundits, thought admittedly it was nowhere near the challenge of the previous week.

UNC @ Clemson - Clemson
Penn State @ Ohio State - OSU
Arizona State @ Cal - Cali
Notre Dame @ Michigan State - ND
Boston College @ NCSU - NNNN CCCCC STAAAATE
Iowa @ Illinois - Iowa
Alabama @ Arkansas - Arkansas
Marshall @ Tennessee - UT
Colorado @ Georgia - UGa
Virginia @ Georgia Tech (Thurs.) - GT

Current standings are:
1. Lola -6
T2. Brad -7
T2. Chili -7
T4. Willy Mac -12
T4. Greggers -12

Shamefully late:
6. Tully -9

Here are the games for week 5:
Louisiana Tech @ Clemson
Virginia @ Duke
Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech
Ohio State @ Iowa (And no, Tully, I won't call them The OSU, that's just silly.)
Texas Tech @ Texas A&M
California @ Oregon State
Rutgers @ South Florida (Changed)
Michigan @ Minnesota
Navy @ UConn (WTF Game of the Week)
Auburn @ South Carolina (Thurs.)

Willy Mac's Picks:
Louisiana Tech @ Clemson - Clemson
Virginia @ Duke - Jeebus, by far the hardest pick. Duke, but expect to change.
Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech - Virginia Tech
Ohio State @ Iowa - Ohio State
Texas Tech @ Texas A&M - TAMU
California @ Oregon State - California
Rutgers @ South Florida (Changed) - Rutgers
Michigan @ Minnesota - Michigan
Navy @ UConn (WTF Game of the Week) - Navy
Auburn @ South Carolina (Thurs.) - Auburn

Chili's Picks:
Louisiana Tech @ Clemson - Clemson
Virginia @ Duke - UVa
Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech - GIT
Ohio State @ Iowa - OSU
Texas Tech @ Texas A&M - TTU
California @ Oregon State - California
Rutgers @ South Florida (Changed) - Rutgers
Michigan @ Minnesota - UMich
Navy @ UConn (WTF Game of the Week) - Navy
Auburn @ South Carolina (Thurs.) - Auburn

HEAT+DRINKING+BLOWOUTS=TEARING THE CLUB UP

My thoughts exactly at roughly 5:30 PM, Saturday, September 23rd.

Wow. What a Saturday. Sitting in the ritzy West Zone, rubbing elbows with Danny, drinking Chivas, blowing out the Tar Heels. Willy Mac and I got inappropriately drunk. I mean ruined clothes drunk. Vomit-stained shoes drunk (at least me, don't know bout him). Busted class ring drunk (thanks, lifetime warranty!). Maybe it was the extreme humidity and swamp-ass heat or perhaps it was the mixing of brown and clear liquors with beer in between, but at one point we just lost all control. The night ended with me giving Willy Mac a Deacon Jones headslap and him turning around to slug me in the face. That's about as far as it went before Willy Mac and his brother got into some serious fisticuffsmanship. At least we weren't the one guy at a nearby tailgate who fell into a pile of shit only to get fly off the handle drunk before being locked in a car where he proceeded to do thousands of dollars worth of damage. Explain that to the girlfriend's parents.
But all of these drunken antics pale in comparison to my friend Eric. Eric lives in Columbia, about a stone's throw from Williams Brice Stadium, and is at every USC home game. Eric is a skinny, wiry guy who is expertly skilled in three fields: martial arts, lawn maintenance, and drinking. Two of these came into play this Saturday after USC's blowout of hapless FAU. Eric was drunk off his ass, “I was just hammered. Just hammered,” as he explained it to me on the phone, and on his way into the game with some friends. They were seated in the student section and Eric started chatting up a couple of co-eds, trying to get them to come to his house after the game. This shit talking continued after the game out at the state fairgrounds. This is where, according to Eric, he and some random guys he didn’t know and one he worked with started trading dirty jokes. Eric uttered a slur that sent a girl out of control. She started yelling at him to leave her tailgate, to which Eric informed her that it was land open to everyone and she couldn’t tell him to leave. This insane girl then proceeded to lob a full can of beer at Eric’s face. This is where the martial arts training comes into play. He blocked the incoming beer can and, on instinct, lobbed what was in his hand at the girl as hard as he could. Turns out he was holding a full can of beer. It bounced off her upper chest with a pleasing thud and was such a forceful blow that it left a tab-mark in her flesh. Eric was stunned at what he had just done. He was then accosted by drunken onlookers and got the hell out of the tailgate. About 20 phone messages later, and Eric understands that the guy he worked with gave them all his name and number.

Long story short, he’s now got a simple assault warrant just like his quarterback Blake Mitchell. I hope, for Eric’s sake, somebody pressures this girl into dropping it, maybe dangles a couple season tickets in her bruised visage.

Danny Ford was finally added to the Clemson Ring of Honor on Saturday.

FROM UNC

It's 8:19 PM on 09/23/06 and all I remember from the day/early evening is the following:

- I got in a fist fight with Chili.

- I got in a fist fight with my brother.

- I my phone got broken in half during the scrap, if you find the bottom half, please let me know.

- The wine and cheese's are great in the WEZ.

- Danny Ford REALLY IS a god. We met him and he was pretty cool to us.

- Once again, I got in a fist fight somewhere or other...

- This loss is truly sad on UNC's behalf... we ran all over them

UNC Game Preview

UNC (1 - 2, 0 - 1 ACC) @ Clemson (2 -1, 1 - 1 ACC), Saturday, September 23rd, 12:10PM, ESPNU, Lincoln Financial Sports

The Stats:
Line: Clemson by 16.5
Clemson leads the all-time series 33 - 18 - 1. Clemson leads the home series 16 - 7. Clemson comes off an upset victory over FSU who was ranked ninth in the AP Poll at them time.

Edge goes to:

Offense: Clemson

Defense: Clemson

Special Teams: Clemson, pending they sort their lives out and show up.

Sense of Urgency: UNC

Frattiest Color Scheme: UNC

Second Wind Defense

Last week the story was how banged up Clemson's defense was. This week, the story is how much the young guys on the Clemson defense have stepped up and filled the truck wide holes that were left due to injuries. In addition, it is obvious that the seniors have stepped up and pulled some slack for the injuries as well. Senior Defensive End Gaines Adams and Senior Cornerback Duane Coleman both made ACC Player of the Week. Gaines had two sacks and a total of seven tackles. Duane had a team high ten tackles and a fumble recovery.

Our panel of DFIG "experts" say:

Willy Mac: All I can say is that I expect a game that resembles the Clemson/FAU game. Plan on having a long halftime at your tailgate because the game will be in hand by the end of the first half. Also expect to see a lot of numbers you saw during the FAU game. Tommy Bowden will probably use this game as a fine tuning game with concentration on special teams. Don't be surprised to see him play it conservatively. He's going to put our field goal team on the field as much as possible, unless the game gets out of hand and UNC actually gives us a challenge. Not to knock on Furman, but UNC almost lost to a D1-AA team last week. I don't see them giving us too much of a fit. Yet again, if Ron Cherry is scheduled to officiate, we could be in trouble. And I'm not talking about the Swofford/ACC Ref theory that many Clemson homers believe in, I'm simply saying that I hate Ron Cherry and how he became a head referee in the ACC is a mystery. The man can't even speak proper english.

Clemson 37, UNC 9

I Can't Stand It I Know You Planned It
But I'm Gonna Set It Straight, This Watergate
I Can't Stand Rocking When I'm In Here
Because Your Crystal Ball Ain't So Crystal Clear
So While You Sit Backand Wonder Why
I Got This Fucking Thorn In My Side
Oh My, It's A Mirage
I'm Tellin' Y'all It's a Sabotage

Chili: I am a little upset that the spread is relatively low for this game. I suppose Vegas is taking into consideration the possibility of a Clemson letdown or the possibility of Clemson giving a lot of second stringers some extra playing time if we get a big lead on UNC. I really want to thump Ol' Wilford Brimley face and his blue band of underachieving athletes. I expect our team to be fired up for this game, as the 1981 National Championship team will be in attendance for their 25th anniversary recognition and may have some inspiring words of wisdom for our team. I look for this to be a high scoring game, at least for us, but I'm not forgetting that UNC does have some decent offensive weapons.
Clemson 42, UNC 17

Bunting is watching. Bunting is plotting.

DUMB SHIT ON TIGERNET: VOLUME 6

This week’s column brings a special peek into the strange land of the Fighting Gamecock Forum. In this frightening forum one can witness a world where a national championship season is just a year away, your coach is brighter and more special than the swaddling Baby Jesus, your stadium looks nothing like an upside down cockroach, and your players brutish actions are easily excusable. This is a forum where if you post anything as a Clemson fan or question anything about Sakerlina, you will be immediately banninated. We joke sometimes about the proprietors of Tigernet being overly zealous in deleting of posts, but on FGF, they really don’t mess around.

FGF and Gamecock “football” in general are both a lot like Scientology. Both are pseudoscience bellied by smaller than reported fan bases of delusional quacks who keep out any outside influence that would shatter their false realities and gross misconceptions and treat outsiders who don’t drink their particular brand of Kool-Aid like enemies.

These posts deal, in particular, with the Blake Mitchell suckerpunch situation we dealt with earlier. USC fans have dealt with so many criminal actions by their players to actually assign blame squarely on the charged individual.

This poster is demonstrating the ever popular “Well, some of our other players have acted like drunken morons and broken laws, so it’s okay if this one does it too!” defense. And if you start a sentence "Not making excuses for Blake, but..." well... you're probably making excuses for Blake.

YOU GUYS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THE KIND OF PRESSURE OF BEING A SHITTY QUARTERBACK ON A SHITTY TEAM!!! SPURRIER DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME!!! S.O.S. TOLD HIM HE COULDN’T CARRY DANNY WUERFFEL’S JOCKSTRAP!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO A PERSON???

This one is just thrown in to show that only someone as dumb as a USC fan would actually knowingly use a Lee Corso bit.

Clemson’s fan base can be delusional as well. The fact that we supposedly don’t get enough media coverage, that Gameday hasn’t been here in a minute, or that our signed recruits don’t get enough respect are all attributed to a media conspiracy. This poster is pontificating on the vast conspiracy. The only partial truth here is that, as Clemson lacks a journalism school, the majority of college-educated in-state sportswriters in SC are Gamecocks. Hell, The main paper in SC, The State even operates GoGamecocks.com.

TIGERNET RANDOMNESS

After the FSU victory, Tigernet began its drive for more paying members, asking people to pay up to 79.99 a year to post stupid shit on the board (though there is some interesting and intelligent commentary on the Donor Board, so I hear). So just like with the introduction of lame-ass Zombie Nation to gameday, fans on the board step right in behind the party line and act like yes-men. This poster has some real issues. He claims to get all his worldly information from Tigernet. This is only acceptable if you are holed up in a welded-shut bunker deep below Bumblefuck, South Carolina.

Just like TV, Tigernet gets dumbed down and tamed to make sure no children are exposed to anything naughty. This guy is a known crybaby on the board, and here is signaling for a thread with the word “A$$” in the title to be removed.

I’m not even gonna touch this one, I’m just going to lob it out there for you, just keep in mind this was posted on the football board, not the lounge board, reserved for other topics.

I now present to you the worst wallpaper ever posted on Tigernet. Most of the times one will see a horrendous desktop background that some tasteless Tiger fan will give a point to or a positive comment to, but this post was like a fart in an elevator. It just laid there stinking, and nobody wanted to say a goddamn thing about it for a few minutes until everybody at once pounced on the guy for having the stylistic taste of Idi Amin “Dada.”

The last gem isn’t a Tigernet post but a Google AdSense ad from my G-Mail account. If you don’t know what that is, it’s where Google reads your email and finds key words to which it links targeted advertising. In this case, I think it is making sort of a crude stretch by presuming anyone interested in Three 6 Mafia or Lil John would also be interested in crack abuse. Also I got douche chills from Willy Mac’s awful, MTV-bland, major market act taste in a small segment of rap music. Oh, you like the most quoted rapper out there today and the act that just won an Oscar? Way to hit the obscure acts, you oughta program Deep Tracks on XM with that Dylanesque wide ranging taste in music. I guess it’s better than the alternative of some nerd telling me to try MF Doom or The Roots or godforbid Gnarls Barkley and thinking nobody’s ever heard of them.

PICK 10: WEEK 4

**Newer post below this one, don't miss it.**

Here are the results of the first three weeks of Pick 10. Some people have since stopped sending in their picks, so if you miss a week you are now dropped from the results, deal.

Last Week's Games

Clemson @ FSU: Clemson!!
Michigan @ ND: Michigan
Florida @ Tennessee: UF
LSU @ Auburn: Auburn
Nebraska @ USC: USC
Miami @ Louisville: Louisville
Oklahoma @ Oregon: Oregon
Iowa State @ Iowa: Iowa
Texas Tech @ TCU: TCU
Maryland @ WVU: WVU

1. Lola -4
2. Chili -5
3. Willy Mac -9
4. Greg -10

Late Pickers
5. Tully -8 (through 2 weeks)

This week's Pick 10 is nowhere near as glamorous as last week's, which ESPN dubbed "Separation Saturday" as if you didn't hear that 100 times that day, but there are several intriguing matchups.

UNC @ Clemson
Penn State @ Ohio State
Arizona State @ Cal
Notre Dame @ Michigan State
Boston College @ NCSU
Iowa @ Illinois
Alabama @ Arkansas
Marshall @ Tennessee
Colorado @ Georgia
Virginia @ Georgia Tech (Thurs.)


Will's Picks:
UNC @ Clemson - Clemson
Penn State @ Ohio State - OSU
Arizona State @ Cal - Arizona State
Notre Dame @ Michigan State - ND
Boston College @ NCSU - BC
Iowa @ Illinois -Iowa
Alabama @ Arkansas - Bama
Marshall @ Tennessee - UT
Colorado @ Georgia - UGA
Virginia @ Georgia Tech (Thurs.) - GT

Chili's Picks:
UNC @ Clemson - Clemson
Penn State @ Ohio State - OSU
Arizona State @ Cal - Arizona State
Notre Dame @ Michigan State - ND
Boston College @ NCSU - BC
Iowa @ Illinois -Iowa
Alabama @ Arkansas - Arkansas
Marshall @ Tennessee - UT
Colorado @ Georgia - UGA
Virginia @ Georgia Tech (Thurs.) - GT
Also, please check out the new petition to fire Jeff Bowden. It started off as a serious attempt to have him fired, but it has just erupted into one huge internet joke. - Willy Mac

FSU ROADTRIP

I hate you, Tony Carter, but not in like a passionate hatred if we'd lost but more like a hate of a punk ass player who showboated in the endzones and slapped the ball out of James Davis's hand when he was already down on the goal line.

I’m a little late posting this, but after a long and fantastic weekend in Tallahassee, I had to decompress a little bit and let my thoughts settle before I posted about my experience. My first thoughts to put online were limited to describing how much I partied and how hot it was down there. It took me about 5 minutes to realize how tired and hacky it would be to do that, so I’ll just barely touch on that part. Anyone who has visited FSU probably knows that as far as hospitality to opposing fans goes, there is little to none to be found. My take on that is a mixed bag. I traveled down with my former roommate Andrew who has an extensive list of FSU contacts with whom he attended high school. Everyone we met who he had some connection to was absolutely welcoming, cool, and laid back. The other Florida State students I met tended towards the trucker hat, sweatband, and hemp bracelet wearing douchebag type. In my high school, there were two types of partiers: the popular kids who drank together and the sketchy ass kids who would show up hammered and uninvited to your party. The second kind of kids all go to Florida State.

Tallahassee is a very college student friendly town. With 40,000 FSU students, 25,000 FAMU students, and another 20,000 attending Tallahassee CC, the town’s economy is largely driven by pouring booze down throats and doling out cheap food to drunkards. My only beef was that, just like Hollywood movies tell us (I’m looking at you, Matthew McConaughey’s pit stains in A Time to Kill), certain parts of the South have yet to discover air conditioning. The house we crashed at, balls-stick-to-your-leg hot. The bars we attended, ditto. It’s not like I’m not used to heat, I went through two a days in the summer in South Carolina for 8 years and now reside in Atlanta. I know heat. But I also know the magic of dropping a dollar on sweet, sweet A/C to keep your ass non-swampy when passed out drunk on a couch.

Yeah, FSU has blazing hot girls. They have more than Clemson on a purely numbers game, but their ratio of hotties to average chicks was no higher than Tigertown. I would rather have a semi-uppity Southern belle than a wannabe cowgirl in jorts and halter top downing enough whiskey to suppress the memories of sucking off the d-line postgame last weekend. (Not to say that that’s all there is at either school, I just tend to work in generalizations as broad as Bob Ross’s paintbrush.)

Day by day, just like the Step by Step theme song.

DAY 1: THURSDAY

• Got to Tally around 9 PM, headed to the Indian Woods apartments across the street from Doak Campbell to meet Andrew’s friends, got lit up and caught the Night Nole to Bullwinkle’s.
• $3 gets you about 5 shots of house liquor in a mixed drink in a sand castle bucket. Word.
• We ambled around Bullwinkle’s and took in the scenery at all three of the bars inside the building. It was akin to a bigger Tiger Town Tavern albeit with an outdoor bandstand and patio bar on top.
• No air conditioning and the place was packed elbow-to-asshole. Everyone was dripping with sweat. Now I know why so many FSU students wear visors and sweatbands, now only if someone could explain the need for the chin curtains.

Bullwinkle's: Cheap Booze and Panties.

• Andrew and I take shots of Patron till the bottle runs out. Great thinking! Take a body already full of beer and cheap liquor and guzzle expensive shit when you can’t even taste it. Also, me+tequila=smashing machine, thankfully I didn’t destroy worlds this night.
• I felt like such a punk bitch, I had to swallow back vomit at the bar, go quickly to the bathroom, only to realize I was going to be alright. I’ve never been ‘that guy who just puked in the bar’ even on my 21st birthday and I wasn’t going to be this night.
• Last call, we head across the street to Gumby’s. I’m sure it was the booze talking but that was the best pizza evar.
• We hitched a cab ride home with a drunken cabbie who was cussing at his wife on the phone.
• Pass out on the couches, 3 AM.

DAY 2: FRIDAY

• I wake up around 6 to find that someone has kindly covered my carcass with a blanket. The television is blaring an infomercial, my head is pounding, and I can’t find the remote. I locate it when Alex, asleep on the other couch, rolls over and I see it stuck to his body like an electronic remora.
• I manage an hour of sleep in the next four before everyone else wakes up. I pop a No-Doz and do the requisite super short visitor shower and try not to use all the hot water.
• We hit up SuperPerros, home of Colombian style hot dogs and hamburgers. We all get a Colombian burger, piled with tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, relish, onions, mayo, ketchup, grilled pineapple, and crunched up potato chips. It was delicious even thought It looked like what I usually vomit up after a long night downtown capped off with McDonald’s.
• Alex, our host, works at the University Center Club, a private club inside of Doak Campbell. We all stop by for a visit; another of my friends is starting a private club near Clemson so he picks up some brochures to see how they do it. The club was beautiful, like a high end country club inside of a college stadium, replete with high-end bar and grill. It showed me Clemson still has some catching up to do to be at Doak’s level, amenities-wise.
• We cruised around campus, taking in the eye candy and stopping by the Garnet & Gold. I saw something on campus that shocked me. In just 15 or 20 minutes cruising around, I saw no less than 5 people wearing either UF or Miami gear wandering around campus. I know that Florida is a big state with a ton of college students, and it can be sometimes tough to get in where you want, but give me a break, what, Miami was too tough to get into so you ‘settled’ on FSU?? If someone wore USC schwag on campus at Clemson not only would their professors flunk them but they would be coldcocked in the mouth and left knocked the fuck out on campus, only to wake up in all Clemson merchandise as a less than subtle warning.
• We stopped by King’s BBQ on Pensacola on the way home that evening. If you are in Tallahassee you cannot miss this place, it is a hole in the wall, but a gem. Best ribs and collard greens I’ve ever had. If you know collards, these were the syrupy sweet homemade kind, not the vinegary, ham filled restaurant kind.
• We ingested the smoky goodness back at the pad and fell into a short rib-induced coma. “Thanks, ribs!”
• We awoke, our hands still smelling of Liquid Smoke, and headed over to the Palace Saloon. This place was considerably less crowded than Bullwinkle’s and our friends knew the bar staff so we were served promptly and for free. No Clemson fans to be found here but we had seen cars all day long sporting orange and white. We drank our fill and caught a ride with a friend to Bullwinkle’s. On the way we spotted a cop car in the Denny’s parking lot and saw a cameraman get out of the back and point his camera at our intersection. We all stuck our heads and arms out the windows and started drunkenly screaming obscenities and random deep thoughts towards the camera, maybe making it onto Tally COPS. Maybe.
• Bullwinkle’s was again packed as hell, with maybe 25-33% Clemson fans. I didn’t recognize anyone but we took advantage of $10 all you can drink while it lasted. I was accosted by an angry, drunk girl as I slipped by because she thought I didn’t say “excuse me.” Well, I am a polite Southern boy and I always say excuse me to ladies as I knock them out of the way in a crowded bar with my 6’4” Brian Dennehey-esque physique. There are few things as daunting to me as a crowded bar. My small friends slip through the crowd with ease and I have to bull through like a fullback or a drunken Frankenstein busting down doors. But I bought her a couple drinks and everything was copacetic.
• Last call, the bar lets out, a very heavy police presence lingering outside as crowds of Clemson and Florida State fans erupted into cheers and shit talking. We drove back to Indian Hills to slip into a party filled with absolutely no one we knew. We drank their alcohol, saw their women strip, and left when it was long past appropriate to do so.
• 6 AM, we get back home and “sleep” if drunken slumber can be considered that.

DAY 3: SATURDAY, GAMEDAY!

• I woke up to ESPN Gameday just in time to hear the announcer butcher Ray Ray McElrathbey’s last name, not a difficult move. I think someone mentioned it was SEPARATION SATURDAY but I can’t be sure. This surely wasn’t mentioned enough times.
• We met up with Andrew’s girlfriend’s father Tom and his friend Mike and set up a tailgate at an old printing warehouse across the street from the FSU intramural fields.
• Beer and t-bones, warm weather, gameday: It’s a beautiful thing and a butchered sentence.
• All the FSU fans around us were incredibly cordial and we were happy to see that, as usual, Clemson traveled exceptionally well. I would guess 5-8,000 fans made it into the game and another 1,000 just ambled around the gameday milieu.
• As an old country boy once said, it was hotter than two whores in a pepper patch.

Sometimes they cheer when their mouths aren't full of cock.

• We went, again, to Indian Woods which was now filled with thousands of students/fans and where each apartment was full of kegs and where DJs played songs off their laptops. Bootleg “SMOKE A BOWL WITH A NOLE” shirts depicting the FSU logo toking on a peace pipe were all the rage.
• There were only a handful of Clemson fans in the crowd, and save for our class rings, Andrew and I were neutral to avoid confrontations since both of us are known to be easily provoked into a fight. It was better to be less visibly a fan than to spend the night in Leon County DC. The DJ, full of as much class as his matching NY Yankee shirt and hat and meth addict sores alluded to, shouted on the PA for Clemson fans to get the fuck out. Classy.
• Every girl above a 4 dressed like a slut. I fully encourage this behavior. As usual, the Clemson girls wore sundresses and Southern type conservative togs. Thank you, Jesus, for inventing gaucho pants.
• We crossed the street, sold off a couple of extra tickets, and settled in for a hell of a ballgame.

THE GAME

• Other than last year’s Miami game, a 3 OT loss at Death Valley, this was the tensest game I’ve ever witnessed. Our tickets were in the corner of the end zone, about half way up the bowl. Great view save for the lack of depth perception. We were near some older FSU fans who were nice, and some hammered drunk students who were pretty rude, as most student sections tend to be. The Chief Osceola entrance, while unique and full of heritage, was not very exciting, it seemed a little drawn out. He oughta bust out of the gate and go straight to slamming the spear into the grass rather than riding around for 5 minutes. Just my two cents.
• I have never seen a game with so many weird occurrences. The two blocked kicks returned, the two point conversions, all of it was very odd football.
• As cliché as it sounds, there really was electricity in the air during some of the many momentum swings. DO YOU SEE WHAT PART OF MY SEAT I’M SITTING ON? YEAH, IT’S THE EDGE.
• The drive at the end of the game was a thing of beauty. I heard from rock solid sources that Will Proctor walked up to the head ref prior to that last drive, patted him on the ass and said “This is what it’s all about, Jack. We’re going to drive it down the damned field and win this thing.” I thought it was special for a guy who is from Florida and wanted to go to FSU to come into Doak on his first try and win the game. I bet FSU would love to have Proctor about now.
• James Davis is a beast.

A BEAST!

• The quick snap was achingly beautiful, and it makes me LOL (that means laugh out loud, OK???) that FSU fans have posted on boards that they thought it was cheap we won the game on a trick play. Wait, FSU fans calling out a team for winning on trickery? What? Pot. Kettle. Black. Words. Periods.
• The touchdown on 3rd down with :08 seconds to go was perfection. Roman Fry got a key block and Hunter and Pearson had brutal hits to clear the way for JD. And we actually made an extra point after the touchdown! WE CAN DO IT!
• After all the shit talking there was nothing quite as satisfying as seeing the FSU fans shut the hell up and hang their heads in disgust. Clemson fans stayed around for 10-20 minutes inside the stadium cheering to the Tiger Rag and doing cadence counts until the team left the field. We were loud and rowdy as hell leaving the stadium.

PWNED!!!!11!!!!1!one

• We wandered around for a while after the game, stopped at the Circle K for beer and burgers, until we decided to call it a night and go the hell home.
• That’s about all there is to tell. 3 days of debauchery capped off with a classic game.

"Clemthon played a thuper game verthuth Florida Thate. I give them a thticker!" Somewhere at home is a photo of me and Lou from USC Football Camp in my high school days.

So what? That kid probably had it coming

I just found this gem and had to share it. My favorite line from this article is definitely this one: "Reese's father, Keith Sr., testified that Downs acknowledged after the game that he did something 'ignorant' and confessed to the deed. When Downs called the elder Reese a liar during his testimony Wednesday, Reese shouted back 'You're a liar,' prompting the judge to restore order." All I can think about is the Adam Sandler movie (can't think of the title, please post answer in comments) where he says "Your ah liyah!" Extra points for actually paying the kid $25 to hit the retard. Great stuff. In other news, Arnold takes this as a sign and starts a war on mental disabilities with his new plan (pictured below)

Arnolds plan to save the gene pool... fuck, I'm going to hell. I've got to be pushing
the envelope a little too far here.