27 September 2006


It’s been a challenge this week to find quality ignorant-ass posts on Tigernet to serve up to you all nice and toasty. Clemson fans have celebrated a thrilling last-second victory at Florida State and a beatdown of North Carolina that would make Buford T. Pusser salivate, but any comically expressed exuberance has been tempered by the memory of the BC game and the knowledge that Clemson has let us down in the past under Tommy. This careful mixture of humors has led most of the posts to be pretty realistic and down to earth. But as in nature there are always a couple of slow sheep to cull from the flock, and being the hypercritical wolf that I am, I’m gonna pounce. I do it for you, you know.

Insulting a guy is one thing. Pre-diagnosing said insult down to the most minute detail is a little gross. And this guy just confessed to the whole board that he once suffered from gout. I thought only lunchladies suffered from that.

This guy is taking fandom to a whole new level. Nowadays, you don’t just need to know a player’s height and weight, 40 time, and benchpress, you gotta know what his cock helmet looks like. Purple or pink? Cut or uncut? I don’t think I can compete with these sort of inquiring minds.

Here’s another gem of a post from Tigernet’s biggest moron, JD1stdown. Next time, instead of posting on Tigernet while drunk, you oughta get into your Brat and speed around till an oak tree jumps out in front of you. The only thing worse than posting dumb shit relentlessly is doing it drunk. Or maybe that makes it better, you decide.

raleigh. That’s all this post says. This could be a mongoloid who hasn’t grasped the concept of posting that you have to type what you want to post then hit enter. Or it is a carefully crafted communiqué signaling the start of a worldwide conspiratorial assassination attempt. Yeah, it’s probably the first thing. But really, as soon as somebody mentions Raleigh, I tune out completely so this post just saves him the time of typing out how much of a shitstain the city is.

Here’s another seemingly harmless post that may hide a dark secret. Why the quotation marks? Saying “music savvy” guys instead of music savvy guys makes me think he means hipsters or homosexuals. Same thing really. God only knows what “music parodies” would mean in that case, but these “parodies” would probably take place in rest areas or bath houses and lead to deeply repressed memories. Even if we take the post literally, no, Steve Spurrier’s lip smacking would in no way whatsoever make for a good parody song. If there is such a thing. And there’s not.

Now, again, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with somebody wanting to pray for people. But there is something wrong with somebody wanting to do it on a football messageboard and posting EVERY SINGLE DAY, just aching, begging for people to private message him. That’s fucking weird. This guy’s prayer posts fall to the ground with a thud on Tnet. Nobody replies. It’s like a fart in a crowded elevator, it’s there, there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s best just to ride the thing out and ignore it.

I’m biased, but I believe Clemson has the best stadium entrance in college football. Rubbing Howard’s Rock and running down the hill are original to Clemson, though not unique thanks to Maryland’s stupid turtle or BC’s eagle they now rub. USC’s entrance is just common. All there is to it. They run into the stadium through smoke to the tune of Thus Spake Zarathustra, better known as the 2001 theme. I am stunned that Zarathustra doesn’t come up as a spelling error in Word. Anyway, it’s high school. Wow, they play a unique song. Fantastic. This guy has taken the bait he probably found on FGF or a similar Gamecock board where some Kool Aid drinker has fantasized about what kind of fuckin’ badass opening USC could have. At least the most badass since the original members of Skynyrd left us. Helicopters bringing in USC players? I can see paddy wagons, that would be appropriate. But helicopters? Only if they call the new entrance Black Cocks Down.

While Tigernet was relatively slim pickins this week, Gamecock fans, always the introverts of the football world, ever delusional about their own abilities and ignorant of world outside Columbia, did not disappoint, and maybe, I can fit some more commas, into this sentence. With the kind of stupidity usually only found at System of a Down concerts, they provided me with some great filler to add to this week’s DSOT. Honestly, finding dumb shit on the Fighting Gamecocks Forum is like shooting fish in a barrel. A barrel also made of fish. And the gun's a fish too.

This thread is typical of Clemson-Carolina arguments. Their only crutch is the strength of their conference, a figure which they have lowered for years, and if you throw facts at their face they shrink down like lil’ George Costanza in cold water. My favorite part is the 2nd post from 84USCGRAD, “forget your rankings and lets hear what you actually think.” Translation: your facts destroy my argument, so let’s just take this argument to the realm all Gamecocks rule: delusional, biased opinions devoid of “facts.”

This post is the single most incredible post I’ve ever seen. Now, the Gamecocks recently lost a big recruit to Notre Dame (amazing, I know) but instead of them chalking it up to the recruit waking up from a daze and realizing he was committed to a school with the football tradition of Briscoe County High School, they claim that he read negative messageboard posts and was so distraught that he decommitted. The spirit of FGF mortally wounded, this person is trying to make the most positive, uplifting post so that any recruit that would happen to read this would believe the fallacy that Gamecock fans are supportive and not at all critical of their team. Here is a picture of this poster, GamecockSpy. This bullshitting attitude that USC has the best fans in football is manifested in the fact that, yes, they sell out virtually every game, but the stadium is half empty by the third quarter. This post buys into the crap that every messageboard seems to believe; that recruits, players, and coaches everywhere read every post they make and look to the board for inspiration. A player, at most, will jus search for his name in articles and may very rarely check a board. A coach couldn’t give less of a damn, they are some of the busiest people in sports who aren’t named Alyssa Milano. Maybe the funniest thing here is that this poster is reaching out to nonexistent recruits reading the post and telling them to watch Thursday’s USC-Auburn game (beatdown in the making) because it’s “college football at its best.” If USC is college football at its best, then Duke is some unreachable hidden superteam on your copy of NCAA 07. The more I write, the more I distract you from seeing just how monumentally, fantastically ignorant this post is. Have at it: