My thoughts exactly at roughly 5:30 PM, Saturday, September 23rd.
Wow. What a Saturday. Sitting in the ritzy West Zone, rubbing elbows with Danny, drinking Chivas, blowing out the Tar Heels. Willy Mac and I got inappropriately drunk. I mean ruined clothes drunk. Vomit-stained shoes drunk (at least me, don't know bout him). Busted class ring drunk (thanks, lifetime warranty!). Maybe it was the extreme humidity and swamp-ass heat or perhaps it was the mixing of brown and clear liquors with beer in between, but at one point we just lost all control. The night ended with me giving Willy Mac a Deacon Jones headslap and him turning around to slug me in the face. That's about as far as it went before Willy Mac and his brother got into some serious fisticuffsmanship. At least we weren't the one guy at a nearby tailgate who fell into a pile of shit only to get fly off the handle drunk before being locked in a car where he proceeded to do thousands of dollars worth of damage. Explain that to the girlfriend's parents.
But all of these drunken antics pale in comparison to my friend Eric. Eric lives in Columbia, about a stone's throw from Williams Brice Stadium, and is at every USC home game. Eric is a skinny, wiry guy who is expertly skilled in three fields: martial arts, lawn maintenance, and drinking. Two of these came into play this Saturday after USC's blowout of hapless FAU. Eric was drunk off his ass, “I was just hammered. Just hammered,” as he explained it to me on the phone, and on his way into the game with some friends. They were seated in the student section and Eric started chatting up a couple of co-eds, trying to get them to come to his house after the game. This shit talking continued after the game out at the state fairgrounds. This is where, according to Eric, he and some random guys he didn’t know and one he worked with started trading dirty jokes. Eric uttered a slur that sent a girl out of control. She started yelling at him to leave her tailgate, to which Eric informed her that it was land open to everyone and she couldn’t tell him to leave. This insane girl then proceeded to lob a full can of beer at Eric’s face. This is where the martial arts training comes into play. He blocked the incoming beer can and, on instinct, lobbed what was in his hand at the girl as hard as he could. Turns out he was holding a full can of beer. It bounced off her upper chest with a pleasing thud and was such a forceful blow that it left a tab-mark in her flesh. Eric was stunned at what he had just done. He was then accosted by drunken onlookers and got the hell out of the tailgate. About 20 phone messages later, and Eric understands that the guy he worked with gave them all his name and number.
Long story short, he’s now got a simple assault warrant just like his quarterback Blake Mitchell. I hope, for Eric’s sake, somebody pressures this girl into dropping it, maybe dangles a couple season tickets in her bruised visage.
Danny Ford was finally added to the Clemson Ring of Honor on Saturday.
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