29 September 2006


Reminder: while Oktoberfest has been going on in Deutschland since September 16, it’s just about to begin at your local pub. In Atlanta, hit up the Brick Store Pub in Decatur on October 7th for the keg tapping.

Umm... uh... can't think.... uh.... wow.

Another reminder. I knock a lot of messageboards because they are run by overzealous administrators who zap posts on a whim and tone down the content to a PG level “for the children.” If you want a great messageboard that rises above the rest check out The Rant. Please, we need some more Clemson people on there; every other registered user has Dawg in their name. There’s even a Wine Drinking Dawg, shit you not. While I wasn’t aware UGA fans had graduated above MD 20/20, I applaud the effort. I think Willy Mac’s new name on that site is gonna be Fondue Loving Tiger.

If you are a Clemson of a Georgia fan you should be familiar with the nuclear bomb of all USC football arguments: This is South Carolina Football, a thick meaty slab of irrefutable fact compiled by a UGA fan. It’s a giant can of RAID that stops cocks dead. There is now an equivalent diatribe to refute the slew of Wake Forest fans that’ve grown cocky over their relative success over Clemson in recent years. This isn’t a dumb post; it’s a bitingly true post that was so noteworthy I had to include it. It’s worth it just for the total douchefactor of the last line of the rant: “Wake Forest’s most famous football alum is Brian Piccolo, who is best known for dying of cancer at the age of 26.” PWNED.

This Clemson fan is a fucking BALLER.

I’ve gotta figure that at least half of all reported cases of spontaneous combustion are due to football fans dreaming up the most wild and fantastical hypothetical questions to confound their fellow fans. “Would you rather have AIDS and sideline passes to a Clemson-Virginia Tech ACC Championship Game or just be HIV positive but only have upper deck seats?” FOOOM!

This week the Gamecocks took on the Auburn Tigers while Clemson faces the mighty Louisiana Tech Snappin’ Mudbugs. The disparity in competition led many Clemson posters to be preoccupied with all things Gamecock. More so than usual. This posters shows us that yes, some things can be taken too far. If you seriously get into an argument with another fan over whose team has the hottest coach & wife combo, please immediately throw yourself off the nearest overpass. Also, I didn’t know STEVO was into interspecies erotica.

This post was zapped within five minutes of being posted, and with good reason. This guy and Carlos Mencia prove that racist jokes aren’t always funny.

While Tigernet was buzzing with Carolina chatter prior to the game, it absolutely asploded the next day. Here is a snapshot of the Tigernet Board sidebar on the front page of Tnet with a handy chart of what each post is hollering about. Notice, please, only two Clemson posts, one about Wake Forest wearing all-black for our game next weekend, and another (for some reason) on Tyrone Prothro’s horrific injury last season.

Like last week, Tigernet provided a good 7 innings of quality pitching but couldn’t quite get the complete game. Again, I call up FGF from the bullpen to close this thing out. Carolina has been losing for so long they’ve actually created a mindset where some losses, okay, get ready for this one, where some losses… aren’t losses. Yeah, I know it’s tough to follow. It’s like your friend who’s got the monumentally long dry spell picking up strange ass downtown and considers it something of a victory when he manages to be sober enough to stay whiskey-dick free and rub out some knuckle children at the end of the night.

WE HAVE ARRIVED! Unfortunately, the destination was mediocrity.

Negating the on-sides kick would, at best estimate, cause the game to be tied up at 17-17. Apparently, that means the Gamecocks “win going away.” Wait, doesn’t that mean they blow Auburn out? Look I’m not even going to try and make any more lame jokes, just read this dumb shit.

Every week I pick one post that is just such a shining beacon of ignorance I just have to demolish it. Pick it apart down to the dark meat and suck the marrow from its bones. This is that post.

Wow. Where to start. Okay… here we go.

“Even though we lost, we won in a different way.” – Yes, in golf scoring. This is exactly what I’m talking about. This guy, several posts down, chastised other posters for claiming a moral victory, well what the fuck ‘different way’ of winning do you think he’s talking about here? Yeah, that different way of winning that South Carolina is the perennial champion of. South Carolina won in the same way that Stephen Hawking is a master of poppin-and-lockin.

“We found character” – Cough... cough..meaningless football cliche... cough..

“Wins and losses come and go” – A lot more of one than the other for you guys, other than that, this is pretty much a factual statement.

“Teamwork builds future winning programs” – Translation: wait ‘til next year!

“It will build the foundation for future teams” – Yes, there are players on this team who will stay until next year and play on future Gamecock teams. Astute observation. Translation: wait ‘til next year!

“The Ole Ball Coach is back and he was the Evil Genius again!” – It takes a genius to order his team to lob a wounded duck of a pass into double coverage to Sidney Rice. Somewhere, Reggie Ball is smiling.

“Folks, Gamecock fottball is about to get really good” – WELL THEY’VE BEEN WAITING 100 FUCKING YEARS. Also, while I don’t doubt that Gamecock ‘fottball’ is about to get good, their football is still going to suck. Translation: wait ‘til next year!

“I PLAY GOLF LIKE A GENTLEMAN BUT I DRESS TO KILL” – I don’t even know what this is supposed to mean, but if I ever heard anyone say this in person, even if it was my father or grandfather or a child or an infirm person or a retard, I would have to strike them about the face and body with my two fists.

Well, this poster here is taking things rather realistically. If I woke up one day and found out I was a Gamecock fan I’d probably cry and break shit too. “I hope they all die on the bus ride home.” – Well that might be kind of awesome; they’d be wandering around the afterlife like that football team in Beetlejuice. I bet Irons would nail Miss Venezuela.

Just when I thought this guy was realistic. Holy shit. Oh yeah, you guys can win the SEC easy. By easy, I mean Georgia dropping three conference games and Florida self destructing. That’s totally gonna happen. Just the fact that this guy has the kind of dumb optimism that his team can still easily win the conference makes me want to bite his nose off and spit it back in his face.

That’s all for this week. If you see any posts on pretty much any messageboard, let me know, I’ll slap them up here and credit you.