DSOT 20: NO COUNTRY FOR DUMB POSTS

While you were pimping your duck, I was trolling Tigernet.

I've heard this same Sakerlina joke in a dozen chain emails and, no, it's not funny there either.




Some places put fluoride in the water, in Ninety-Six they add lead.




If you are a high school graduate there are only 2 reasons to watch a high school football game: you have a family member on one of the teams, or you are a coach. If you are attending to watch recruits for your college team of choice then it is almost a given that you are a mouthbreathing creep. I also love it how this guy asks who else will be attending, like droves of other fans can't wait to go watch mediocre football from aluminum bleachers. "Gonna follow any recruits?" uh... not back to their houses to stare through the windows like this guy probably will.




Because inquisitive drunks want to know.




Reminiscing about a "classic" zinger from the morning's comic pages in real life would get you open-mouth stares like you had a dick growing out your ear. Doing it on a messageboard just gets you DSOTed. There have been some terrible and nonsensical Spurrier on Tigernet but this one might beat all.




I LOVE LAMP. EMOTING IS HARD.




Victory=Turtlehead.




And I leave you with this gem from the Fighting Gamecock Forum, where every post is dumb shit. It is nice to see a little self analysis from the cluckers, even though this guy probably got banned for his troubles.

DUMB SHIT ON TIGERNET.... COACHING MELTDOWNNNNNN

If Danny came back to coach the Peach, we'd have to have a badass late 70's black and white montage with this as the theme music. A las, these thoughts will only live on as dreams and dreams only.

The master plan revealed!


Personally I hope our new coach is more devoutly Christian than Tommy was. I heard there was a guy named Yusef on the team once, and I am NOT comfortable with that. Old testament names from now on, please. Don't even get me started on that snitch who went to the ACLU.


I would assume it'll be confused, painfully unfunny, and generally dumb. Coaches can change but boards cannot.

He made me laugh and cry. A fun 9 year run. Tommy Bowden, ladies and gentlemen; a football coach or a broadway show?

Touche'.

If Danny came back to coach the Peach, we'd win it by so much they'd fly us to New Orleans to play the winner of the championship game. Bank on it.

YOU'RE A LIAR! THE GAME NEVER PASSED DANNY BY, HE PASSED THE GAME BY!

This is the SEC, y'all. This is a big deal.

Oh yes, let's get the board's opinion.

Someone made a post saying "i am a hot girl please explain the coaching situation to me" and CHAOS ensues. Of course everyone saying they're a hot chick online is a hot chick, amirite?

In mere minutes, the board is flooded.

*jacking stops*

DUMB SHIT ON TIGERNET 18: DUMB HARDER

For the 18th installment of DSOT, the hot issue is Tommy Bowden's contract extension. Enjoy.


Posts like this are the reason I'm sick of Tigernet. It's not so much that there's a big, dumb herd mentality, it's more that it's a big, dumb herd mentality that refuses to pay any mind to any opinions that differ from theirs.



I'M SO ANGRY AT YOU FOR NOT LIKING TOMMY BOWDEN THAT I WANT TO WET YOU DOWN AND ANALLY PENETRATE YOU... wait... what?



This guy is one of the dopes who thinks you have to be a Bowden uber-fan or you're not a Clemson fan. This guy is probably just some sidewalk alum who has only been around for the Tommy West/Tommy Bowden era and only sets foot on campus on Saturdays. I've said it before, I'm a graduate of Clemson University, not Bowden University. Doesn't mean I hate the guy, but it means I put the greater good of the school and its team ahead of one man.



Some of my favorite posts are when some of the Tigernetters try to sound slick and clever. Why aren't people outraged just as much at basketball's collapse as they were at football's collapse? Because one is Clemson basketball... and the other is Clemson football. One coach has been there 9 years, the other 4. One program has multiple postseason victories and All-Americans, the other has a WNBA coach as their most famous alum.




Yeah, because you have to be a high level athletics administrator to say anything negative about our team or coach! Prior to stating that I might have reservations about playcalling or coaching in general I better have the right credentials, because surely being a fan or alumni only allows you the right to go to games, clap, or shut the fuck up. If I'm criticizing I must be an enraged, fanatic moron! I must be a genius to criticize coaching. Yeah, well I guess technically it would take a genius to comprehend why we throw three yards behind the first down marker on third down consistently and refuse to run the ball with our top-tier backfield in goal line situations when it counts most. It would definitely take a fucking mental giant to comprehend that.

You know who else slammed all dissenting voices?

That's right... NAZIS.



Another type of post that never fails to amuse me are these desperate missives meant to appeal to the nonexistent football recruits who are "constantly" cruising Tigernet. I'm friends with a lot of current and past Clemson players, and I can assure you, while they sometimes check out Rivals or Scout, the fringe messageboards are virtually nonexistent to them. Hell I can barely stand to wade through the shit on Tigernet to cull these gems, you think a recruit wants to slop through the intellectual wasteland to maybe see his name mentioned?



Thank God there are still some posters like this on Tigernet to not make it a complete and utter embarrassment of sunshine pumping loonies. Most, if not all, of his sentiments have been echoed by us here at DFIG.



Of course the minute someone posts a thoughtful and well conceived post that goes against the grain they are immediately blasted. I swear to God some of these people are actually proud of being "top Tigernet posters." That's like being the tallest midget at the circus, people. Wakka wakka.



Although I did laugh at this a little bit.



Maybe one of the greatest posts I've ever seen on Tigernet.

DSOT: VT MELTDOWN EDITION

Along with the normal selection of drivel, we present some posts that are level headed and offer fair assessments of how most fans, including us, feel about the perennial tease that is Clemson football.

Well, uh… yeah.

Yes, let’s go with either 1) a guy who has spent his lifetime on the west coast with zero familiarity with the Southern recruiting trail and no desire to leave the Pac-10 or 2) the guy who is successfully coaching at his alma mater with 0 restrictions on recruiting idiots or criminals, he’s sure to want to jump ship to come to Clemson and have his hands tied.

Actually, I’d rather not have to read these stupid fucking questions. Why don’t you make one of those folded paper fortune tellers like all the other middle school girls?

Sometimes I wish I could be this full of hope, bathed in the bliss of ignorance. When I read this post I just pictured the scene from Reservoir Dogs where Harvey Keitel keeps telling the shot up, bloody, and dying Mr. Orange “You’re gonna be okaaaaaay! Say it! You’re not gonna fuckin’ die!” Keep holding out hope, Mr. White.

How retarded are you to type this much drivel and not realize at least a couple sentences in that it is unadulterated garbage? No, no, I’m not talking about DSOT, I mean this post.

Yeah! There’s no way the HEAD COACH can be responsible for special teams, it’s just 1/3rd of the damned gameplan, not a big deal. He’ll fix everything in the off season, just like he did between last year and this one…. oh… wait. Also, you love him? Dude.

Blah, blah, I’m old. Queue the old “We don’t need games to get drunk” line.

Come to think of it, the two guys have a lot in common.

I don’t know, the guy did coach WILLY KORN, this poster might be on to something.

Basically, for Bowden to stay, most people want him to win out, make them breakfast for a week, and give them a homemade coupon book for massages and chores around the house, fair trade I think.

My friend Biff once told me about a kid he met while counseling at summer camp who told him “Everything Kenny Loggins touches is gold.” Such knowledge and insight from children is always startling and heartwarming to hear.

The following posts are how most Clemson fans are feeling.

Done and done.

Unfortunately there’s a lot of truth to this statement, at least in regards to the administration. As always, money talks, and if the major donors want Tommy out it won’t matter what TDP thinks.

I know a slogan bantered about by a lot of people is “We’re Clemson, we’re better than that,” but I’d sorta love to not be for a couple years. I echo this guy’s sentiments almost 100%.

Want to know how DFIG feels about this Tigers team? This is it, verbatim.

THE GREATEST POST EVER

I now present you the greatest post in the history of Tigernet. Yes, that’s an ELO reference at the end. Somewhere in Seattle, Tully nods in approval.

DUMB SHIT ON TIGERNET VOL. 16

It's been a very long time since the last installment of Dumb Shit on Tigernet. The Mojave Desert of sports nothingness that is "downtime" was not only a desperate time for college football fans, but was a miserable time for fans of moronic messageboard posts. As the season crept closer, the posts got dumber, and I was there to cull the floaters. I have a bunch of gems for you today, and I finish off with a cheap joke that I'm not at all proud of. Enjoy.



4:15 pm. DFIG, The Internet.

It is official.

You are a dumbfuck.



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ATTN: DESPERATELY SEEKING HUGE COCK! T-MAIL ME!




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It amazes me that this person has the mental acuity to turn a computer on, much less master the intricacies of posting on a message board. Maybe he's a retard with a speak-n-type headset, who knows?




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Fulmer and good fit haven't belonged in the same sentence since Dockers stopped carrying husky-sized slacks with comfort-stretch waistbands.




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Oh man, that's fucking HYSTERICAL. You should put that in an email and send it to like 1000 people! Please note that this post is from today, not 3 weeks ago when this gem first made it's way into unwilling email inboxes everywhere.




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If you ever wondered if some overeager football fans really do creep around high schools to watch 16 year olds who have an off shot at maybe one day playing at their favorite college, wonder no more.




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FUCK ITPAY AND FCUK THEIR PONITS SYSETM! ANGER SHARKS ARE SWIMMING!




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Jesus, I don't even know where to begin with this one. Here, you take it.





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How DARE you post an article that does something other than shower praise and sunshine upon our affable Tigers! I banish you! You are now banned from the land of rainbow clouds and gumdrop hailstorms, where everyone is equipped with orange colored glasses.




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NERD! HA! Seriously, can I get slops on that magazine, I need to beat Sambo. In all seriousness, I missed our FF draft this year but the computer gave me some sick players.




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Why even make this fucking argument? It's all some sick, twisted shit. This is when pointless, Colin Cowherd-like sports-radio arguments that are tailor-made for people who just like to hear themselves scream.




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So I went to the Tech Support Forums and started posting questions about cover packages and nickel defenses and nobody responded.




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I'd love to say sloppy blowjobs, but the answer is more along the lines of cheering, occasional flips.




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I'll not question your "alliegence," sir, but your intelligence is in serious doubt.




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Sometimes I post things on DSOT that are not dumb at all, but just fucking true. This is one of them. Hey, Mac's, DON'T PUT MILKSHAKES ON THE MENU IF YOU ACT LIKE MAKING THEM IS AS PAINFUL AS A 10 PENNY NAIL BEING DRIVEN INTO YOUR FLACID DICKHOLE.




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Haha, you don't have any friends!




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Wow, we actually found the one person who enjoyed "Who's Now?"




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At least he's adamant and proud about ruining a Clemson tradition.




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Congratulations. The line of people who give a fuck starts over there. Yes, that's it, the empty room over there. That barren, gaping, empty void.




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HAHAHA OHHHH MAN!!! YOU DAMAN!!!! Too bad you weren't DaBorted! ROTFLMAO




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Everyone knows that voting in arbitrary, nonscientific fan polls increases the prestige of your university.




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So, my wife was giving me a Ted Roof and she started moving her finger closer to my Spurrier. I was like "meh" but she went ahead and gave me the ol two-knuckler. So I pulled it out and stuck my Nick Saban in her ol' Tommy Bowden. That'll teach her.




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The musings of an idiot. This kind of reminds of the ramblings of a Faulknerian manchild.




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This Clemson fan might be the only person more obsessed with Spurrier than S. Carolina fans.




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I have no idea what the hell you just said.




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I didn't post this for the observation in the post but for the dopey exchange below it with captain oblivious.




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If you begin (and end, in this case) your post with "DT talk... nothing more, nothing less" then you KNOW, you just KNOW, you're posting something fucking dumb. So just stop. Click cancel. Walk away. Don't do it. Otherwise, you fine yourself prognosticating over ball distribution to our backfield. Props to this guy for his statistical prowess, but save your effort, man.



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Uh... only if his last name was Vin.



That's all for now. Before you post that next angry diatribe on Tigernet, remember, I'm watching.

DSOT 15

Dumb Shit on TigerNet: Volume 15

Art Garfunkel: HUGE Clemson fan.

Lack of dumb posts is certainly not the reason for the length of time it’s taken me to gather my latest batch of duds from TigerNet. The delay has more to do with just how exhausting it is to peruse the site sometimes, the fact that I don’t want to run the bit into the ground (maybe too late), and hell, I just didn’t feel like it.

The morning of the ACC tourney opened with such hope. The cadence count on TigerNet, as I’ve said before, is just the dumbest, most jingoistic, hacky, pointwhorish thing you can do. At least sometimes they are aborted like this one.

Clemson was pretty much jobbed at the end of the FSU game, about everyone agrees on that.

Did you think that was going to be funny? Do all the guys at the truck stop guffaw at old lines like that? Spit their biscuits and gravy up? Drop their meth spoons and shit their Dickies?

It was so hilarious the first time; why not roll it out again?

JCarsonCUTigers just ripped off your witty and original line.

Apparently the Reverend Al Sharpton posts under the handle 629tiger.

This guy doesn’t believe in an ACC conspiracy… oh wait, he does, he’s just thinks it’s even craftier than the most nutjob of Loose Change fans on TigerNet.

Sometimes you see a post so incoherent and rambling that you just sort of stare at the screen with your mouth hanging open. This is one of those.

The anger starts to set in from the FSU loss. Clemson fans, as all fans do, get creative with their denigration of the officials.

Here’s another buttfucking-centric post.

Ass all over the place.

Of course you can always go over their head and blame the entire National Collegiate Athletic Association.

Or you can be a complete dumbfuck and go and shit on a player who has done nothing but give four years of his life to your sports team. I’m not saying you can’t criticize the players (see Proctor, Will) but take it easy.

I don’t even know if this guy is mad. Maybe he just knows that caps lock is cruise control for cool.

A Sakerlina fan attempts to show solidarity with the dumber of our fans. Should we really flee from our conference because we can’t make the NCAA Tournament like they did 30+ years ago? Don’t be a dope.

Maybe a little odd, but I pretty much agree with both sentiments.

At least this guy is honest. I saw posts from this same guy saying he didn’t think McRoberts would be drafted at all (he’ll go late first round, but if you don’t think he’s going to be drafted at all you really don’t know basketball from a fuckin hole in the ground) and another post amazed that the clock doesn’t start on an inbound pass until someone inbounds touches the ball… durrrr…

Hey, let’s run a metaphor into the ground.

I AM SUPERFAN. DARE YOU CHALLENGE MY SUPREMACY? Baseball fan? Shit. I sleep in the batting cages. I get high off the smell of pine tar. I once made love to a catcher’s mitt. Not a metaphor. An actual catcher’s mitt. Dude was pissed. It was the middle of a game. Seriously. Fan? Gimmie a break.

I am shocked – SHOCKED – that a Division 1 football program would dare recruit a player of ill repute just because he held great athletic prowess!

Perhaps not proof that ‘recruiting gurus’ are retards, but definitely proof that they have poor grammar. Oh, nevermind, he’s just a UGA fan. It’s pretty admirable for a leghumper, actually.

DSOT 14

Dumb Shit on Tigernet: Volume 14


HAY GUYS, CAN I GIVE MONEY AND RIDES TO PLAYERS? LEMME KNOW K THX.
P.S. I THINK I CAME UP WITH SOME GREAT GIFTS FOR RECRUITS. P.M. ME PLZ.



Let me delve into the mindset of Clemson fans when it comes to basketball. Well, I should say a certain sect of bandwagon fans. A lot of non-affiliated Clemson fans enjoyed rooting for our football team when they’re good, but generally there wasn’t a solid basketball squad to pull for. In this case, a lot of the fans would venture off and pull for another local team. South Carolina was out, UGa and GT were never powerhouses (minus Cremins, the 1990 Final Four, etc), so fans looked north for a team. Duke and North Carolina were both teams with tons of bandwagon fans. Clemson is rooted in agriculture, and a lot of diehard bandwagon fans tend to be good country folk. While both Duke and UNC are relatively snobbish, Duke was viewed as more elite, more “yankee-infested” and therefore a less desirable team to pull for. What I’ve seen are tons of supposed Clemson fans that wear orange during the fall and switch to baby blue in the spring. Now that Clemson’s cagers are making waves in the ACC, they’ve swayed many South Carolinians to root for the Tigers year-round. It is no stretch for me to say that Clemson fans are generally regarded as largely ignorant to the rules of basketball and the sport in general. I’ve found that this stereotype is a bit exaggerated and I think most of us know Clemson fans who know every bit as much as Tar Heel or Blue Devil faithful do on the sport, but by and large there is some bit of truth to it. This ignorance on some fans' part is the only explanation for believing Oliver Purnell worthy of being mentioned in the same sentence as Coach K and Roy Williams. In my opinion, Roy isn’t quite worthy of being compared to Krzyzewski. Notice how this guy immediately picks Roy over K. Last time I looked, the guy who choked for years at Kansas only to be “Guthridged” at his alma-mater by being given an insanely talented squad and going on to win the title (finally), needs about 2 more championship banners and 7 or 8 more ACC titles and Final Four appearances to be shoulder to shoulder with K. Purnell has a lifetime ahead of him to get close to these two’s achievements. Rodgod, you’re a basketball retard.



Another reason Clemson fans tend to be laughed at by much of the ACC is their belief that the entire league is conspiring against them. The evil refs, paid by the dark lord John Swofford have sworn a blood oath to job the Tigers out of a win whenever possible. The honest and blockheaded clock mistake at the end of the Duke game has only made this belief stronger, unfortunately.

This guy was even worried about a conspiracy before the game started.



Again, Rodgod proves that even though you have a dusty fart of an idea in your head, you don’t necessarily need to share it with the world.



I’m glad kenc80 could sum it all up for us. DID YOU KNOW THAT ACC BASKETBALL REFS ARE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED FROM COACH K’S NASAL DNA AND THEY COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER DURING GAMES WITH TELEKENESIS. WATCH OUT FOR THE MINDBULLETS.



I’m not calling this post out as dumb shit, because I think the Tigers have a great chance to win in Littlejohn, but I will say just to keep this post in mind. You’ll see it again in our postgame after the February 22nd game.



To counter my ramblings above as to the loyalty and “basketball IQ” of Tiger fans, some level-headed individuals actually realized that while blaming everything on the league and the refs is fun and easy, it doesn’t always solve a team’s problems.




Some Tiger fans decided to let the loss roll off like water on a duck’s back by approaching the situation with hilarious and timely jokes clumsily ripped from last summer’s now debunked headlines!!!!!!!! ROTFL!!!!!! LOLZ!! (also, no funny joke has ever been followed by the phrase "just having fun :-D")



These next two posts are from the people who reserved FIRECOACHPURNELL.COM the day he was hired. Seriously, we’re Clemson, and you’re complaining about 4 losses in a season? We used to roll that in a fortnight. Antebellum chronological terminology 4 life.



Caps lock: It’s cruise control for cool.



This post is a fantastic argument for IQ-based mandatory sterilization. Let’s not let these people reproduce, please.



And I’ll leave you with this comedy gold. Maybe the single most indecipherable and moronic post I’ve ever seen, and I’ve waded through more awful posts than I really care to think about.

DSOT 13

Dumb Shit on Tigernet, Volume 13

For close followers of the day-to-day drama of Clemson football, the first week of January was a Maalox masher as the Tigers’ most dynamic player, CJ Spiller, pondered transferring to the University of Flawda. Conflicting reports had him either enrolled in classes at UF or heading up to Clemson to join his teammates. I’ll spare you the intimates of the ordeal, but his 9 month old daughter in Florida had a lot to do with his dilemma. Spiller has since confirmed he wishes to stay at Clemson, but I’ll believe it when I see him in a Tiger uniform in the fall.

Now that I’ve set the stage, here’s what our ever-enlightened Tigernetters had to say on the subject.

Every once in a while I highlight a post that isn’t actually dumb shit; it actually stands out from other posts by being coherent and maybe even prescient. Here’s one:

A lot of people like to be clever on Tigernet by making daring or outrageous statements in the header of their message only to recant or put a humorous spin on said statement in the body of their message. These things are like Hallmark cards from Satan, only without Beelzebub’s trademark dry wit.

Always remember: football comes before family, and football is just like war. You’re a fucking soldier, son. The only school where football is like war is Tha U, only because you have a slightly higher risk of shooting death playing for the ‘Canes than fighting in Iraq. So, really, Winslow Jr. was right.

Again, not dumb shit, but a great response to someone suggesting that CJ read Tigernet, got mad at the dumb shit on there, and wanted to transfer. (Again a case of Tigernet grossly overestimating their impact on, well, anything at all)

While the CJ situation turned out in Clemson’s favor, we weren’t so lucky when it came to the fate of a certain 4-star TE recruit. Another site that charges rubes for free recruiting information and messageboards had apparently received an email from Gronkowski, the recruit in question, saying he would be a Tiger. This information seeped to the teeming masses of Tigernet and there was much rejoicing. Catchphrases had already been invented, as seen below. Like Get Crunk? Really? I’m glad you cleared that one up for me.

This is all part of the whole mindset of Tigernet. The brainwashed denizens actually believe that recruits, recruiters, players, and coaches are all reading every word that is typed on T-net and that maybe, just maybe, it’s their message of encouragement that is the one that pushes that recruit to the side of the Tigers. It leads guys like this to sound more than a little gay showering praise on an 18 year old.

Long story short: Gronk went to Zona.

This one is just a damned gem:

Attempting to separate yourself from other mouthbreathing internet prognosticators – check. Calling out the media – check. Dictating fandom to virtually nonexistent Clemson Basketball bandwagon fans – check. Insult to Duke/Coach K – check. If this guy possesses little to no knowledge about the rules of basketball or the mechanics of a good team, and if this guy hates/idolizes Rick Barnes then he has all the criteria for Clemson basketball fandom. Also I love how he capitalizes Internet People and Media Clowns like these are real terms, and then calls out ‘internet losers’ later in the rant, neglecting to capitalize that. Is one an official term and the other just a nickname? Also, what makes this guy not an internet loser? I think you know the answer to that.

Now, c’mon. Clemson basketball couldn’t beat Florida basketball, Clemson football probably couldn’t even beat Florida basketball. I’m sure we beat them at something, but I haven’t figured that out yet.

There are days that go by where I don’t think I’ll ever accrue enough quality material to make a decent DSOT, guys like this come along and brighten my day. I’m honestly hesitant to knock this guy because I shudder to think that there are people this dumb out there, but then again I guess Gamecock recruits and fans have to come from somewhere. This guy could be a Clemson fan posting as a Gamecock fan on a Clemson board trying to make Gamecock fans look bad. Trippy. I’ll just take it as it is, and keep this post as a perfect example of Cock Logic: IF your team sucks THEN brag about your conference. IF there is a next year THEN your team will surely be conference and national champions in that next year. IF it IS next year, REPEAT. IF your team beats Clemson THEN pretend you haven’t lost 8 out