Mother Nature sometimes provides us with subtle signals that tell us “warning: do not touch.” These include a hissing cat arching its back, a coiled rattlesnake, and a black man talking loudly while taking off his Tall-Tee and jewelry. Posts on Tigernet are no different. Posts with text in the subject line saying things like “my rant…,” “here’s how I see things,” “FUNNY JOKE,” or “Off topic, but…” should be avoided like a ride in the tumble cycle with Magic Johnson in a dryer full of razor blades… unless, of course, you write a weekly column about dumb shit on Tigernet. Then, my friends, you live for such posts.
One of the problems plaguing Tigernet in the week preceding our loss at Boston College was the introduction of a new song to our game day experience. It is a mystery as to how new traditions (yes, oxymoron) get added to Clemson’s game day. Some, such as the tiger paws painted by SigEps or the practice of an annoying male cheerleader being miked up and yelling at the crowd have been around for decades. Within the last 10 years, hicks and girls have started yelling WOO HOO! during Tiger Rag, and about 2 years ago the band started playing an odd little diddy and yelling GO! or something like that (I never paid attention to it) as part of a tradition so poorly taken by the crowd that the band members remain the only people in the stadium who participate.
Some SUPERFANS will accept these recent traditions and anything new the school chooses to do as gospel and refuse to question it. Others, like me, wonder who the hell decides what and when to add new things. It was someone’s infinite wisdom that decided to add a faded Euro nightclubby techno song to the repertoire of a conservative Southern school. It was played prior to kickoffs and is a song familiar to anyone listening to bad local pop radio on weekend nights in the year 2000. Or anyone who attended a soccer game in the last 6 years. The song is Kernkraft 400 by the group Zombie Nation – the song often referred to as just Zombie Nation, finally reached the microverse that is Tigernet. It was the first time most of the ham and eggers who hang out on the site had ever heard the song and they had no idea of the unsavory European origin for this faggy techno song, all they knew was that since someone at Clemson decided to play it, it would be the greatest song ever and anyone who didn’t like it was a commie. Here are some gems from the Zombie Nation discussion week.
Probably a good indicator for the grammatical creativity of Tigernetters.
God forbid somebody wants to hear a BAND at a FOOTBALL GAME. This guy wants you to pick between two upbeat techno/pop songs for a football game. I would tend to go with option 3, Rock and Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter, and -insert pedophile joke here-.
If you have a fever and the only cure is Zombie Nation, I’m guessing the diagnosis is AIDS. And he could probably pin his user name down a bit from TIGERINNYC to TIGERINCHELSEA. That second joke might not hit nationally, but the New Yorkers will get it.
Tigernet is no different than any other team messageboard out there. When the team loses, the board melts down and calls for firing the head coach ring from mountain to mountain and fjord to fjord. Ok, I just wanted to use fjord in a sentence, BIG UP NORWAY. On Tnet you don’t see as much going for the throat of Tommy Bowden as you see a lot of people trying to be clever and making a post with the subject “FIRE TOMMY” but then in the body it will say something like “Jenkins. Yep, fire my pool boy Tommy Jenkins. He’s doing an awful job, GO TIGERS!” This is roughly equivalent to a stand-up comic joking about airline peanuts. I really just want to see a post saying “FIRE TOMMY” and a body saying “Yeah, Bowden. Fuck him.” Not that I want Tommy fired, I love the guy, I just want to see somebody nut up on Tigernet. This would, of course be immediately deleted. Anyway after all the HILARIOUS fake firing posts come the angry inarticulate man posts where a guy has already blackened both his wife’s eyes and doesn’t know how to get the rest of his redneck man-rage out so he crafts a biting post that cuts to the quick of the situation.
CharlesX is this guy. Look, I’m sure Tommy isn’t counting his money the day after a loss. I would assume he would do that on the night of, just to ease the pain that much faster. Although in all honestly I’m sure Nike has given him a manservant to count the money for him.
What guy doesn’t do A. And B; they could probably be in CharlesX’s wife’s mouth if Tommy wanted and her jaw wasn’t already wired shut from the Panthers losing. C; I think the only thing Tommy could borrow from Richt would be a haircut suitable for a 12 year old. I didn’t know Professor Charles Xavier was such an angry Clemson fan.
AWFUL JOKE OF THE WEEK
Again, it was impossible to whittle the posts down to just one terrible joke, so I’ve again chosen two.
This is not unlike a person taking a flu-induced, sweet potato pie-consistency shit in a Whitman’s Sampler and offering it to you under the auspices that you looked like you could use some chocolate.
The shocking thing about this post is not how bad it is, but the length of the horrible joke. At no point during the erection of this Tacoma Narrows Bridge of humor did LuZZifer stop to think that he might be orchestrating a train wreck.
You see, in that last sentence, I used two metaphors for how horrible that joke was. I thought it would not only reinforce the level of suck in that guy’s joke, but that it would also be clever. I try pretty hard to be clever on this post, sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed, but at least I always sound like the snarky asshole that I am.
TIGERNET TACKLES TERROR
Alliteration!
Posters on Tigernet handle sensitive subjects with about as deftly as a boy with Down Syndrome handles a new pet. No matter how much care they try and take, they’ll get too excited and the object of their affection will probably end up mashed into a mud pie. On September 11th Tigernet was subtly and tastefully decorated with a tiled wallpaper of American flags. As every single solitary news media outlet did that day, they chose to talk about and remember the terror attacks, and I certainly don’t blame them for that.
I blame them for this:
Really, erocke, I should take time out today, on September 11, to remember the attacks? Thanks for letting me know and thanks for the sound psychological advice, Dr. Melfi. Before you made this post AT NOON, I had forgotten what had happened. I had yet to see ANY media coverage or heard ANYBODY on the radio or seen ANYTHING online mentioning how a dialogue about the incident could be cathartic. I hadn’t already seen the image of the towers a thousand times that day, and even if I did, I’m sure I wouldn’t have allowed myself to so much as THINK about them. Thanks. For the words.
No better way to celebrate 5 years without terrorism (I think I know some troops in Iraq missing legs who would beg to differ. Maybe he means in our state of South Carolina, maybe. If you don’t count 63-17.) than with a Tigernet Point Party! Yeah, Osama sucks! I’m going out on a limb with my political views! Let’s celebrate not having captured this giant animal with imaginary points on an internet message board!
This one just irks me. This guy is comparing a loss in a regular season in-conference football game to 9/11. What the fuck. They shouldn’t even be in the same sentence. It's like comparing a papercut to a decapitation. One was a world changing catastrophe – an event that would break hearts and send people into a rage. The other was just some A-rabs flying planes into buildings. Fuck.
AND I'M OUT
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