EXTREME KORN REPORT: OMFG EDITION

INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY, PERFECT FOR EXTREME KORN REPORT.

YOU KNOW THAT PART IN FAST AND FURIOUS (WHICH ONE? SHIT, ANY) WHERE THE ONE EXTREME WIFE-BEATER WEARING KINDA SPANISHY DUDE LOSES HIS CAR IN A BADASS STREET RACE? AND, LIKE, HE’S TORN THE FUCK UP BECAUSE HE JUST LOST HIS SWEET ASS RICER WITH ONE OF THOSE AWESOME LOUD ASS MUFFLERS? MULTIPLY THAT BY A BILLION AND THAT’S ONE TENTH OF HOW I FEEL TODAY. NOT EXTREME. NOT EXTREME AT ALL, PLANETEERS.

KORN IS….

GOD I CAN’T EVEN SAY IT

REDSHIRTED.

(YOU CAN’T SEE IT BECAUSE IT’S THE INTERNET BUT I JUST SHED A SINGLE TEAR, BECAUSE THAT’S THE MOST YOU CAN CRY WITHOUT BEING A FAG)

THE COACHING STAFF WON’T MENTION IT, BUT THE DEAL IS THIS: KORN WAS THROWING TOUCHDOWN PASSES SO DAMNED HARD THAT HE EXPLODED HIS SHOULDER OR SOME SHIT, AND NOW IS “SUPPOSEDLY” INJURED. WHICH WE KNOW IS A FALLACY BECAUSE HE HAS HEALING POWERS THAT CHUCK NORRIS INTERNET MEMES COULD ONLY DREAM OF ALSO I’M DRUNK.

SO WHY IS KORN HOLDING HIMSELF OUT? HERE ARE SOME POSSIBLE ANSWERS:

1) TO HAVE HIS LAST SEMESTER COINCIDE WITH THE FINAL YEAR OF THE MAYAN CALENDAR (AND PROBABLY THE WORLD) IN 2012.

2) TO HAVE MORE TIME TO READ E.K.R.

3) HE LOST A BET WITH CULLEN HARPER AND HAD TO EITHER KILL HIMSELF OR REDSHIRT. OF COURSE A KORN IS IMMORTAL AND CANNOT KILL ITSELF, IT MUST BE BEHEADED BY ANOTHER KORN, JACKASSES.

4) AIDS

5) THIS SPACE LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK.

I DON’T KNOW WHY KORN IS SANDBAGGIN. THEN AGAIN I DON’T TRY AND UNDERSTAND WILLY KORN, THAT’S LITERALLY HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!1!!1!

LOOK, WILLY, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, AND GOD I HOPE YOU ARE, PLEASE WILL YOURSELF HEALED. COME BACK TO US. MY LIFE HAS LOST ALL MEANING. ONLY SWEET, SWEET BOOZE CAN SOOTHE MY SOUL NOW. I HAVEN’T BATHED, I STOPPED GOING TO WORK, MY DIET CONSISTS OF FRIED BALONEY SANDWICHES COVERED IN RAMEN NOODLE SEASONING. CAN YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE… I MEAN SERIOUSLY COMPREHEND… THAT I HAD TO WATCH TRIBBLE FUCKING REESE AT QUARTERBACK? MOTHERFUCKER NAMED AFTER A STAR TRAK EPPY. COME BACK KORN, COME BACK! I'LL SUM UP MY FEELINGS WITH THE FOLLOWING CLIP FROM BLUE VELVET.

CULLEN HARPER? FUCK THAT SHIT. WILLY FUCKIN KORN!