EXTREME KORN REPORT: SPRING KORNSTRAVAGANZAPALOOZA

Jam goes on english muffins.
This is a TOAST bed, motherfucker.

EXTREME BRACKET EXPLOSION!!!!!!

Are you man enough to step up to the EXTREME BRACKET EXPLOSION? ARE YOU??!??


DIAL UP YAHOO ON THE INTERWEB AND STEP THE HELL UP.


Group ID: 55284
Password: korn

EXTREME KORN REPORT: CONSUMER ALERT!!!!!!!!1!1!

Jersey: awesome, color coordinated Zubaz: EXTREME.

ZUBAZ!!!!! ZUBAZ!!!!!

THEY'RE BACK! The most EXTREME pants you can slip your legs into (unless Levi's makes a pair of jeans out of TERIYAKI BEEF JERKY covered in FLAME DECALS) are back from the 80s!

Now I'm sure you're all with me, but I've been writing letters to Zubaz literally each and every day since they went off the market DEMANDING they start up production again. Well, apparently my letters weren't ALL returned to sender, because the Zubaz machine is back in gear. TITS.

My bad for not including more KORN news in this EKR, but we'll be on the scene when (IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME) Zubaz makes a pair in ORANGE and PURPLE and sends the first pair to MISTER KORN.

Get your ZUBAZ here! Tell them you want a new variety in ORANGE AND PURPLE! WHOOOO!!!

EKR: THE MOST AMAZING PICTURE EVAR

HOLY SHIT PEOPLE THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I ONCE SAW A SHARK EATING A LION EATING A MIDGET WHILE THE MIDGET WAS SINGING "ENTER SANDMAN" AND EATING A LUTHER VANDROSS BURGER DONUT. SRSLY U GUYS. CHUCK NORRIS WAS IN TOWN BECAUSE HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, AND HE ASKED KORN TO BE HIS SECRETARY OF AWESOMENESS. MORE LIKE RAWESOME AMIRIGHT?
HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT WILLY KORN AND CHUCK NORRIS DID IN CLEMSON YESTERDAY:
1) SHOOK HANDS AND SHOOK THE WORLD
2) DRANK DOWNTOWN. AND I DON'T MEAN THEY WENT DOWNTOWN TO DRINK, I MEAN THEY LITERALLY DRANK DOWNTOWN. BLAM.
3) KARATE CHOPPED THE PARKING NAZIS. JUDO CHOP!
4) MANAGED TO ORDER A MILKSHAKE AT MAC'S WITHOUT GETTING THE STINKEYE FROM THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER. TRUST ME, THAT'S EXTREME AS BALLS.
5) ATE SO MUCH THAT JUST MORE BBQ CHANGED THEIR NAME TO FUCK, NO MORE BBQ.
6) COMPLETED BEER PASSPORTS AT KEITH ST. NOT JUST THEIR OWN, BUT EVERY BEER PASSPORT THERE.
7) REENACTED THE 1993 MASTERPIECE "SIDEKICKS" SCENE FOR SCENE.
(SENSING A THEME WITH THESE? YEAH... EXTREME. EXTREME.)

I WISH THERE WAS A SUPER-CAPS-LOCK BUTTON FOR ME TO SHOW YOU HOW IMPORTANT AND EXCITED MY TEXT IS. WILLY KORN MEETING CHUCK NORRIS. MY ADRENAL GLAND JUST CAME. I'M SO EXCITED YOU GUYS I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING HOLY SHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

EKR...HEART ATTACK OUTTTTTTTTTTT

EXTREME KORN REPORT: MT KORNMORE #1

PRESENTING THE FIRST ANNUAL MT. KORNMORE, IT'S LIKE THE HALL OF FAME OF HALLS OF FAME... OF AWESOMENESS.

CHUCK D (PUBLIC ENEMY, POINDEXTER) ONCE AKSED "BASS. HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?" WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BRO. I'VE BEEN PRETTY LOW WHAT WITH THE MOST RADICAL PLAYER TO PUT ON FOOTBALL PADS STUCK ON THE SIDELINES. CHUCK D ALSO SAID "SOUL ON A ROLL BUT YOU TREAT IT LIKE SOAP ON A ROPE." I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT ITS POETIC. IN A TOTALLY STRAIGHT WAY, UNLIKE MOST POETRY I READ INSIDE OF BATHROOM STALLS. SO WHILE I COULDN'T WATCH KORN ON THE FIELD I PUT MY EFFORTS INTO FINDING EXAMPLES OF KORNNESS (NOT KORNINESS DAMNIT, THAT'S HACK) IN POP CULTURE.

IN THE SPIRIT OF WILLIAM KORN, I HAVE ASSEMBLED THE FIRST "MT KORNMORE" OF BADASSES. FROM LEFT TO RIGHT WE HAVE:

TOM BERENGER FROM PLATOON: DON'T SLEEP ON YOUR PATROL DUTY OR HE'LL MURDER YOUR DREAMS. HE OUT-GRIZZLED WILLEM DAFOE, AND THAT'S A HELL OF A TASK. SOMETIMES I CONFUSE HIM WITH TOM BERGERON. MY B (BAD). THIS WAS A TOSSUP BETWEEN BERENGER IN SNIPER OR BERENGER IN PLATOON AND IT CAME DOWN TO GOOGLE IMAGES, BASICALLY.

BILL MURRAY FROM KINGPIN: HE HAD FULL SEX WITH WOMEN, HAD RAGING AWESOME HAIR, AND HAD A FIERY COMPETITIVE SPIRIT.

BILL DANCE FROM EVERY FISHING SHOW EVER: YOU CAN GIVE A MAN A FISH OR YOU CAN TEACH HIM TO FISH AND GIVE HIM A FISHING SHOW THAT PLAYS IN PERPETUITY ON CHANNEL 554 ON YOUR SATELLITE. NOT ONLY HAS HE BEEN ROCKING THE BUG EYE GLASSES SINCE BEFORE KANYE AND THE TRUCKER HAT BEFORE ASHTON (KUTCHER, SILLY) HE COULD PROBABLY STILL CATCH FISH LIKE A MUG IF HE WERE PARALYZED FROM THE NECK DOWN.

MICKEY ROURKE FROM THE POPE OF GREENWICH VILLAGE: IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MOVIE, GO, NOW. JUST PRETEND THAT WILLY KORN IS MICKEY ROURKE AND WILL PROCTOR IS ERIC ROBERTS. SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

NOW, ON TO OUR MAN KORN.

I GET LITERALLY SEVERAL EMAILS A MONTH ASKING ME, NO BEGGING THE EKR TO THE CLEMSON RESEARCH DEPARTMENT BETTER GET ON SOME STEM CELL RESEARCH OR SOME SHIT TO FIX KORN'S SHOULDER. WELL I'M JUST A MAN, AND I CAN'T DO THAT. I COULDN'T EVEN GO TO THE CAMPUS TO ASK. OUTSIDE OF THE RESTRAINING ORDER PLACED ON ME BY CLEMSON (THEY DON'T LIKE YOU DRUNKENLY STALKING YOUR FAVORITE PLAYERS, WHO KNEW?), I HAD A RUN IN WITH JOHNNY LAW AND NOW CAN ONLY TRAVEL BY MOPED. NOT EXTREME!!! WELL THAT'S LIFE. AS FOR WHAT EKR'S FAVORITE PLAYER HAS BEEN UP TO SINCE ASPLODING HIS SHOULDER BONE, I'VE HEARD SOME RUMORS. SOME SAY HE HAS BEEN HITCHHIKING TOWARDS THE ALASKAN WILDERNESS TO GO LIVE IN A BUS. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE BUT I KNOW WILLY KORN IS THE BIG MAN ON CAMPUS AND ALSO WOULD'VE IMPREGNATED LIKE 3 WHOLE SORORITIES BY NOW, BUT WILLY KORN IS A GENTLEMAN, AND WILLY KORN PULLS OUT. WILLY KORN TEMPORARILY TRANSFERRED TO FLORIDA AND HAS BEEN PLAYING UNDER THE ALIAS "TIM TEBOW." HE PLAYED IN THE CAROLINA GAME UNDER THE "AKA" "NELSON FAERBER." HE LED A SLAVE REBELLION IN THE ITALIAN PENINSULA UNDER HIS SLAVE NAME: SPARTACUS.

EKR, UNEXPECTED OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

THIS LIL DUDE JUST SAW WILLY KORN IN THE FLESH.