DUMB SHIT ON TIGERNET VOL. 16

It's been a very long time since the last installment of Dumb Shit on Tigernet. The Mojave Desert of sports nothingness that is "downtime" was not only a desperate time for college football fans, but was a miserable time for fans of moronic messageboard posts. As the season crept closer, the posts got dumber, and I was there to cull the floaters. I have a bunch of gems for you today, and I finish off with a cheap joke that I'm not at all proud of. Enjoy.



4:15 pm. DFIG, The Internet.

It is official.

You are a dumbfuck.



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ATTN: DESPERATELY SEEKING HUGE COCK! T-MAIL ME!




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It amazes me that this person has the mental acuity to turn a computer on, much less master the intricacies of posting on a message board. Maybe he's a retard with a speak-n-type headset, who knows?




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Fulmer and good fit haven't belonged in the same sentence since Dockers stopped carrying husky-sized slacks with comfort-stretch waistbands.




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Oh man, that's fucking HYSTERICAL. You should put that in an email and send it to like 1000 people! Please note that this post is from today, not 3 weeks ago when this gem first made it's way into unwilling email inboxes everywhere.




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If you ever wondered if some overeager football fans really do creep around high schools to watch 16 year olds who have an off shot at maybe one day playing at their favorite college, wonder no more.




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FUCK ITPAY AND FCUK THEIR PONITS SYSETM! ANGER SHARKS ARE SWIMMING!




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Jesus, I don't even know where to begin with this one. Here, you take it.





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How DARE you post an article that does something other than shower praise and sunshine upon our affable Tigers! I banish you! You are now banned from the land of rainbow clouds and gumdrop hailstorms, where everyone is equipped with orange colored glasses.




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NERD! HA! Seriously, can I get slops on that magazine, I need to beat Sambo. In all seriousness, I missed our FF draft this year but the computer gave me some sick players.




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Why even make this fucking argument? It's all some sick, twisted shit. This is when pointless, Colin Cowherd-like sports-radio arguments that are tailor-made for people who just like to hear themselves scream.




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So I went to the Tech Support Forums and started posting questions about cover packages and nickel defenses and nobody responded.




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I'd love to say sloppy blowjobs, but the answer is more along the lines of cheering, occasional flips.




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I'll not question your "alliegence," sir, but your intelligence is in serious doubt.




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Sometimes I post things on DSOT that are not dumb at all, but just fucking true. This is one of them. Hey, Mac's, DON'T PUT MILKSHAKES ON THE MENU IF YOU ACT LIKE MAKING THEM IS AS PAINFUL AS A 10 PENNY NAIL BEING DRIVEN INTO YOUR FLACID DICKHOLE.




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Haha, you don't have any friends!




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Wow, we actually found the one person who enjoyed "Who's Now?"




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At least he's adamant and proud about ruining a Clemson tradition.




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Congratulations. The line of people who give a fuck starts over there. Yes, that's it, the empty room over there. That barren, gaping, empty void.




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HAHAHA OHHHH MAN!!! YOU DAMAN!!!! Too bad you weren't DaBorted! ROTFLMAO




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Everyone knows that voting in arbitrary, nonscientific fan polls increases the prestige of your university.




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So, my wife was giving me a Ted Roof and she started moving her finger closer to my Spurrier. I was like "meh" but she went ahead and gave me the ol two-knuckler. So I pulled it out and stuck my Nick Saban in her ol' Tommy Bowden. That'll teach her.




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The musings of an idiot. This kind of reminds of the ramblings of a Faulknerian manchild.




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This Clemson fan might be the only person more obsessed with Spurrier than S. Carolina fans.




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I have no idea what the hell you just said.




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I didn't post this for the observation in the post but for the dopey exchange below it with captain oblivious.




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If you begin (and end, in this case) your post with "DT talk... nothing more, nothing less" then you KNOW, you just KNOW, you're posting something fucking dumb. So just stop. Click cancel. Walk away. Don't do it. Otherwise, you fine yourself prognosticating over ball distribution to our backfield. Props to this guy for his statistical prowess, but save your effort, man.



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Uh... only if his last name was Vin.



That's all for now. Before you post that next angry diatribe on Tigernet, remember, I'm watching.

CLEMSON VS. BAMA IN THE DOME IN 08?

Just seeing the Dome triggers a Pavlovian response in my brain that makes me crave delicious chicken sandwiches. Actually, a lot of things make me crave chicken sandwiches.

Clemson and Alabama (the only team whose fans are more obsessed with their coach than Sakerlina fans) are working on a one-time matchup in 2008 to be played in the Georgia Dome, says the State. Clemson may have an empty spot on their 2008 schedule as UCF has asked out of their contract with the Tigers and UTEP has reneged on their commitment to play Bama, so the Tide has a gap to fill as well. According to the State, neither team wants to add a road game, so a game at a neutral location would solve both teams' problems. Personally, I think this is an awesome thing for Clemson. I would rather play a solid team we have a chance of losing to than a mid major or cupcake any day. Both teams have large fan bases in Atlanta and are probably equidistant to the Chocolate Metropolis.

CLEMSON BLOG ROUNDTABLE... FOUR DAYS TILL KICKOFF

What we have here a Q&A with the other two notable Clemson blogs. The Sporting Gnomes and TBIG will join us on this one. As of now, the Gnomes submitted a research thesis that might be considered by many to be the largest post that site has ever seen. TBIG packed it's bags up and left last Tuesday, we haven't see or heard from them since. They didn't even leave us a note.

1) At this point, if you were coaching who do you start as your top three receivers? Who would you start as quarterback? Linebackers?

You definitely start Aaron Kelly, Rendrick Taylor, and Tyler Grisham. We say this because the majority of our plays will be runs and receivers blocking is on of the key components of the running game. Aaron and Tyler have some good hands on them and neither are slow. Don't start Jacoby because he's still a little too small for us. True he's a burner, but he's still a lil' guy. You do bring him in on four/five wide pass sets. Honestly, we do start Cullen Harper simply because he's been in the system longer, he's still a talented QB, and you don't want to damage Korn's psyche via baptism by fire. It'd be nice to ease him into real game situations. He's never seen college game speed in a real game. Linebacker wise, you'd have to start Tramaine Billie even though he has a hairline fracture in one of his hands. You also have to start Antonio Clay, simply because he's got the best head on his shoulders and can be a good leader on the field. Lastly, you've got to get Nick Watkins on the field. This is definitely his breakout year.

2) Game-by-game season outlook... GO.

Check out this link for our answers to that.

2a) What's our one dumb loss of the year?

If it happens again this year, it will be against Central Michigan. They are not a bad team and we could easily overlook them. They play a tough schedule including West Virginia and will not be intimidated by playing at a much larger venue. If some of our slump-era games last year are any indication, the environment at DV for lesser games can be kinda lame at times, the fans will have to bring their A-game for this one, too.

2b) What's the one game where we step up as the underdog?

Willy Mac: Probably Virginia Tech. Hopefully we are both ranked by that point and Gameday will come back. Clemson could definitely step up here. Just remember, we never had a chance in hell against FSU in 2003. You have to keep hope. If it's a night game, chances are good for the upset. But don't buy completely into this. VT is a complete team and they could also drop 40 on us at home.
Chili: While I don't think Gameday will be in Clemson for VT, it will still be that sort of an electric environment. I've seen Tiger teams rise to the occasion and falter miserably in this sort of a heavily-hyped night game, so historically these things could go either way. I think VT gets the best of us, but if we're going to win as a 'dog, it'll be this one. We could be underdogs at Maryland and pull that one out if VT doesn't go our way.

3) Sub Korn, who's your breakout player of the year? Who is a flop for you?

The best candidates for breakout players would be Phil Merling and Michael Hamlin. Merling, if he keeps working hard, might be able to fill the shoes that Gaines Adams left behind. That's a big hole to fill but Merling is that friggin talented to be able to make the key sacks and big plays. He's also as exciting to watch as Charles Bennett and Gaines were. Hamlin also has a great chance to have a breakout year as well. He's got experience, strength, and the skill set to be a stellar safety this year. He could potentially emerge as the best player on our defense this year. As for the flops, we don't know that there will be any player who absolutely bombs. You have to be disappointed that Antonio Clay is struggling, but we wouldn't categorize him as a flop by any means. He's been through a lot and we hope he rebounds strong this season.

4) What will be the most overused ineffective play this season? Think 2005-2006 Bubble Screen, people.

While we're well aware that the bubble screen was used to set up other packages, it was still futile 90% of the time and just looked silly when we were trying to gain 15 yards on a third down. I would just vote again for the ol' bubble screen. I just don't think Spence is done with it.

5) Who's your pick to win the ACC Atlantic division? The Coastal division? Who walks away with that big ugly trophy?

The Atlantic division will probably come down to FSU or Maryland, with the Tigers having an outside shot. Coastal is either GT or VT, and we think odds are Virginia Tech takes the trophy home.

6) Who would you like to see us blowout this year (GT 2003, USC 2003, GT 2006, etc). Don't initially vote USC, unless you REALLY want to blow them out.

Chili: I'd like to blow out VT and pay them back for giving us an American History X style curbing last year. I'd secondly like to demolish Maryland because, well, they're Maryland.

Willy Mac: I would fully like to embarrass those Jesuit "Sweet Carolina" wastes of life otherwise known as Boston College. I just hate BC, and if you went up to Boston for the game last year, you'd know why. Their fans are just drunk assholes who try to fight anyone wearing opposing colors. Polar opposite of a Clemson game day experience and I feel that they don't deserve such a good team.

7) What's our toughest game this year? What's our easiest game?

Toughest game with either be Virginia Tech at home or South Carolina in Willy Brice. Virginia Tech because of their defensive skill and talented coaching staff. They absolutely shut us down this year and perfectly analyzed our strengths and weaknesses to exploit lack of QB ability. We also say South Carolina depending on their momentum. Last year they were a couple breaks away from a high-water mark kind of season. If they catch a couple breaks this year the hype will build and culminate in the November match up against the Tigers. Not only will both teams' seasons be riding on the game, but Gamecock fans -- ever eager to buy into the Spurrier mythos -- will circle this game if they win it as proof of the OBC's ownership of the Tigers and they're certainly delusional enough to think it would be the start of a winning streak to even up the series between the two teams.

8) Will this be Tommy's last season? Why or why not?

No, this won't be Tommy's last season. Even if we finish out at 6-6, the worst realistic scenario, we think he sticks around for another year. Odds are we win 7 or 8, plenty for Bowden to stick around. He's too much of a yes man to the AD and has burrowed himself and his job security deep in the bosom of the front office.

4 DAYS TILL KICKOFF

I think I heard that theme music on NBA Jam.

BUC' EM ASKS DFIG "WHAT UP W/ BIG GAINES?"

I recently corresponded with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers blog Buc Em. The following is what came of the entire interview. Not too bad if you ask me. They have nothing to worry about.

This shirt just made my eyes vomit.

KNOW YOUR NOLES... FIVE DAYS UNTIL KICKOFF

More of this to come if the "Skin and Bones" Seminole O-Line can't get their lives right.

Here is the last "Know Your Noles" segment of the year. Labor Day is imminent and we can't wait. Hope you've enjoyed this segment and as always we appreciate your opinions and comments in the "rabble rabble" section at the bottom of the post. Lastly, thanks to Bill K, err, NoleCC, err, whatever he goes by. Thanks to that guy. He's always fun to work with and is a credit to the Seminole fan base, especially the blogging sect. Check out our responses on Scalp Em here.

1) Weatherford is the starting QB again. Are a lot of Nole fans thinking "Hey, there's still time for him to have a bad acid trip (Wyatt Sexton)"?

Honestly it's the same as it's always been, a 50/50 split in the fan base. It reminds me of the Adrian McPherson / Chris Rix saga. A couple of things about Weatherford though, people act like he isn't mobile. He's no Charlie Ward, but doesn't have concrete shoes like Chris Weinke either. If the revamped FSU offensive line can hold off the Tiger blitz, Weatherford will be just fine. If the Noles can establish a running game, Weatherford might even have a big night and eventually a big season. I just hope I don't have to watch Xavier Lee sulk on the sidelines AGAIN.

2) How has Antone Smith looked in spring practice? How much is the drop off from first string RB to second string?

Antone hasn't played tons during practice, which is more because of the depth issue than the "hurt" issue. Jimbo Fisher is banking a lot on a healthy Antone Smith, since even in Bobby Bowden's words "There's a big drop off to 2nd string at running back." Someone cue Jim Cantore with his "ominous" quotes.

3) Who should we be more worried about, Geno Hayes (LB) or Myron Rolle (RV)?

My initial reaction is Myron Rolle, however he's the main threat in the secondary. Clemson will do everything to avoid him, which makes Geno Hayes the bigger worry for the Tigers. There are 6-7 other guys up there, Geno is going to find a way to get free and make the big hit.

4) Any preseason inuries of note? Any notable changes except for the fact that your OL is on the Curves diet?

First of all, the OL went on Jenny Craig, not Curves. Get that straight. As for injuries, Joe Surrat is out for sure with a broken Tibia, however he was looking at second string most likely anway. Knock on wood the Noles should be pretty healthy for the showdown on Monday Night.

5) How will the new hires impact the season? Are we looking at the Seminoles second wind or an ugly three ring circus act?

From everything I've read, heard or watched FSU looks to benefit greatly from the coaching changes. Fisher looks like the Bowden heir-apparent and Trickett is going to have a mean & nasty line in the future. So, as a Nole fan I have to believe that this is a second wind for the program, and not the dagger in the heart of the program. That said, another failure to win some big games and you might count FSU as done for a long, long time.

6) The Noles always seem to have a really spectacular athlete Warrick Dunn, Peter Warrick, Chris Weinke... er... I mean... who is this year's freak?

Antone, Antone, Antone. Antone Smith is heavily underrated, and if he's healthy he's going to create some havoc despite FSU's offensive line. If, by some miracle the O-line can block someone once in a while FSU might be looking at a 1000 yard rusher. You can throw Greg Carr in there as a touchdown freak, since he can only catch the ball in the end zone, but his stats will be sick. Probably like 12 catches for 100 yards and 10 TD.

7) What percentage of grown-men FSU fans wear jerseys to games? 50% or closer to 80%?

It's way under 50%, believe it or not. Now if you want to throw in coaches polos or file everything under "Nike" gear, you're looking at close to half. The bigger question is how many lap dances will FSU men receive in the student section this year? (Just search for Lapdance On ScalpEm.com)

8) Bobby Bowden becomes the first active CFB coach with Alzheimer's in the next three years. Do you take the over or under on that bet?

"Dadgumit Wi... Ch... #38. That boy's mama makes the best walnut brownies you know. I like them a lot. They were real nice down in Apopka. Mmm, mmm. Don't you think Gene? Oh and look there's Thad Busby. He's a Junior this year, that #12, he's going to be a real star."

I'll take the under. [Insert winking smiley here.]

"GOD??! What the shit are you talking about! It's Maury!"

Gentlemen, all that I have left to say is good luck, but not too good. I'll be watching from home Monday night, but I'm sure I'll enjoy the start of our seasons as much as you! May DannyFordIsGod.com thrive in some Garnet & Gold following the game, and may you kick the crap out of Georgia Tech down the road. God I hate GT. And tell Chili to stop shaking more than twice.

5 DAYS TILL KICKOFF

Mmmm, ScalpEm.com is gonna look glorious in purple and orange for three days.

SIX DAYS LEFT... REMEMBER WHEN IT STARTED GETTING GOOD AGAIN?

I still own a piece of that goalpost. If'n you want a lil' sliver e-mail me with a price.

SEASON PREDICTIONS

Chili:

So, I have us at 9-5, improbably playing in the ACC Championship Game. I have to preface these picks by saying I don't have a freaking clue how the season is going to go. Until the questions I have about the team (O-line play, special teams, QB play, etc) are answered, I can't say I'm at all confident in this prediction. I have this vague idea of what Clemson will be like, and based on this, here's my best shot. I can see us losing a game or two more than I'm saying here, and I can also see us maybe picking up a game I predicted as a loss. I just don't know.

Sep. 3 - Florida State - W - Both teams are relying on relatively green offensive lines and quarterbacks that some folks have reservations about, and both teams have what should be pretty solid defenses. I expect this to be a sloppy, low scoring affair with our slightly more experienced o-line and our RBs making the difference.
Sep. 8 - Louisiana-Monroe - W - Blowout.
Sep. 15 - Furman - W - I like playing these guys, but this one should be a laugher.
Sep. 22 - @ NC State - W - Not a lot to say about this one. O'Brien is a great coach and will improve this team, but not enough by the 22nd.
Sep. 29 - @ GT - L - I really can't stand GT. I respect them, and they've been a solid ACC club for a while, but there's something about the smug, often douchey fanbase that, pardon my French, grinds my gears. I would hope that tons of Clemson fans, as usual, would fill the lame gameday surroundings at Tech, where the city and the state could care less as they tune into the Dawgs' games each week. I think James Davis puts up great numbers in his hometown, but Tech gets it done in the end. I don't like it, but I can see it happening.
Oct. 6 - Virginia Tech - L - VT has our number and I don't see this game being any different. For the second year in a row they'll stuff our box like John Holmes and force us to air it out to no avail. I don't think this will be as nasty a loss as last year.
Oct. 20 - Central Michigan - W - C-Mich has a great quarterback. That's about all I know about them, except that they can chalk up a loss on the 20th in what will probably be a closer-than-expected game. I would maybe chalk this up as our random WTF? game of the year, but I don't see us dropping four straight this season.
Oct. 27 - @ Maryland - L - I hate, hate, hate Maryland. Worst fans in college sports, worst college football atmosphere, worst college town ever. But I may very well be in Collipark for this one.
Nov. 3 - @ Duke - W - I don't think Duke will go 0-fer this year, but they won't win this one.
Nov. 10 - Wake Forest - W - Grobe will field a good team again this year, but this will be the official kick start to a 2003-style late season surge.
Nov. 17 - Boston College - W - Matt Ryan is the best QB in the league not named Willy Korn but he won't be enough as we finally beat these lobster-eating bastards.
Nov. 24 - @ South Carolina - W - Honestly this game could go either way and hinges on the momentum of the respective teams at this point in the season. We sort of gave it away last season. Like Willy Mac, I don't think that happens again.
ACCCG - Maybe... VT - I gotta be honest, I'm not sure about the conference winning percentage math here and whether conference games out of division count, but someone in the Atlantic will finish ahead of us, more than likely. If the other teams' records work out in our favor and we make it, VT beats us again. A faint diabolical laugh can be heard from a certain bubble on a certain neck.
Bowl - If we lose the ACCCG, Chick-fil-a Bowl, if we don't make it, hello Music City! Again I have no clue if we make it to Jacksonville. If we do and lose, it's Atlanta to lose to an SEC team. If not, it'll be Memphis to win a mediocre bowl. Here is where I say I completely disagree with Willy Mac's pick for us to be in the C-F-A Bowl. If we don't end up in the ACCCG, there's no way we go to Atlanta. We can bring fans, but with Boston College and Georgia Tech still steaming about recent lame bowl assignments, the ACC will try as hard as they can to make sure bowls are doled out strictly based on records. I also think Seigler is huffing gasoline and floating on a bed of orange gumdrops and Skittle rainbows with his rosy prediction further down the post.


Willy Mac:

I'm not going to bore you with the ifs, maybes, wouldas, couldas, shouldas, zips, zangs, or reach arounds this year. Straight up, it's time to do work. I also think it's gonna be another slightly above average season. Again. Although, nobody expected us to do jack in 1981, but then again we did have ol' Danny chewin the plug on our sidelines.

Sep. 3 - Florida State - W - Defensive struggle and we barely edge it out solely due to our offense simply being better than theres. The defensives are nearly equal.
Sep. 8 - Louisiana-Monroe - W - Cupcake city.
Sep. 15 - Furman - W - But barely, believe it or not. Furman is always good and should never be taken lightly.
Sep. 22 - @ NC State - L - O'Brien does what any good Irish Catholic does... shames his team into winning. It'll probably be me doing the heavy drinking come gameday though. I also think this is the game Harper folds due to their defense still having an ass of talent.
Sep. 29 - @ GT - W - Big time. Just like last year. Usually this series is like a pendulum and goes back and forth, but by his time they're going to be out of the top 25 and instead of Gaines Adams eating Tarshard Choice's lunch this year, it'll be Phil Merling.
Oct. 6 - Virginia Tech - W - This is my homer game. The game where I hope, and pray that somehow the neck bubble pops the week of so the Hokies have to go Beamerless. We do have the advantage of the game being in the Valley though.
Oct. 20 - Central Michigan - W -But barely again. These guys are good. To drop a bit of coot knowledge on you: They took the fight to a BC team that beat us last year. Year in and out, these guys are good for their conference, which ever one that is. Don't count them out.
Oct. 27 - @ Maryland - L - The Fridge gobbles up a few of our defensive players Hungry, Hungry Hippo style towards the end of the game and the refs, in a controversial move, turn their heads. Bowden wines and cries but it goes unheard as he has been advised not to launch his headphones.
Nov. 3 - @ Duke - W - But barely, due to it being up there and us not being able to get motivated.
Nov. 10 - Wake Forest - W - Wake Forest has just lost too many players this year. It'll be close, but this game will be slow and it'll suck.
Nov. 17 - Boston College - L - Still too many good players left over for us to overcome. Also, having a pro coach come in doesn't help matters at all.
Nov. 24 - @ South Carolina - W - I just don't see the hype. Last year we beat ourselves. I don't think Bowden lets that happen again.
ACCCG - Don't make hotel reservations in Jacksonville this year.
Bowl - Chik-Fil-A Bowl - Florida - L - A very pissed off Florida team runs the score up on a dejected Tiger team, thus bringing us to a 9-4 season. Yay. At least there will be plenty of Chik-Fil-A sammiches to eat.


Seigler:

I look at the schedule this year and I see a season where Clemson could easily have 10 wins or more. However, I know better than to predict such things, having learned my lesson in previous years. I think we’ll be lucky to have 9 wins in all, but I think the first game is definitely going to set the tone for this season. We should be able to hold of the Seminoles, and continue our recent dominance over the formerly stalwart, and now very shaky, Bobby Bowden dynasty. This is where I think it gets tricky for us, either we win the FSU game, and take down the easy kills of the next two games and blow it big time in the final seconds against NC State, or we do the opposite. We let the Seminoles slip through our fingers, but that drives us to win the next 4 in a row, losing narrowly to VA Tech and dominating the rest of the season (to include a thorough thrashing of that “other school” in Columbia). However, in that scenario we screw ourselves out of a shot at the ACC title, because FSU goes undefeated by some miracle and edges us out. Those are just two of many scenarios playing out in my mind, based on past years' performances under Tommy. However, I’m going to flip flop again and predict a good season for the Tigers, despite our big question mark at QB.

Sep. 3 - Florida State - W - barely, but we pull it out in style, winning by a touchdown in the fourth quarter, seemingly miraculously.
Sep. 8 - Louisiana-Monroe - W - We make up for not beating the complete tar out of FSU by destroying this team a million to none
Sep. 15 - Furman - W - A good team , but just not bad enough to play with the big boys.
Sep. 22 - @ NC State - W - We make up for our embarrassing effort against them last year in Death Valley, and put some points on the board
Sep. 29 - @ GT - W - GA Tech will be pesky this year, but we’ll edge them out in a close contest, it will serve as a wakeup call for the team , and hopefully mentally prepare them for VA Tech.
Oct. 6 - Virginia Tech - L - This won’t be a blowout, well basically only because they’ll be coming to our house, but who knows what might happen. I think at this point the team might be overconfident in their abilities and let VA Tech stun them like they did last year. Who knows though, but I’m still predicting our first loss of the year.
Oct. 20 - Central Michigan - W - We make up for our loss the week before, but it’s not a complete blowout, maybe 10 points difference.
Oct. 27 - @ Maryland - W - We let the Terps know that they got lucky last year.
Nov. 3 - @ Duke - W - Come on now, it’s Duke, and unless they can really just screw up our season completely (i.e. we’re undefeated at this time) we shouldn’t have much trouble with them.
Nov. 10 - Wake Forest - W - Wake won’t have 11 wins again this year, and this will be one more loss in that column, I hope it will be a while before they have our number again.
Nov. 17 - Boston College - W - I hate this team more than any other in the ACC now, without a doubt, and I think Clemson has something to prove against these Yankees come south, not in our house, not again and not 3 in a row.
Nov. 24 - @ South Carolina - W - As a birthday present to yours truly, the Tigers will once again dominate the Gamecocks in a fashion reminiscent of 11/22/2003.

Now comes the sad part.

Assuming we’ve come this far, we meet VA Tech again in the ACC championship game and they crush us, unfortunately. I’m predicting this one a loss.

A loss their will send us to the Peach bowl, where we’ll probably get tarred and feathered by some SEC powerhouse, but at least we’ll have had an 11 win season and at least smelled a championship of some kind. Clemson will come out of the gate strong, but fizzle after winning the two most important games of the season ( FSU and SC).

THUG LIFE AT SOUTH CAROLINA

This is not Photoshopped. You can see Mr. Cook in the lower left corner there showing the state what he thinks of their laws.

Well, yet another Gamecock has made the headlines by breaking the law. This time it wasn't simply burglarizing their own stadium and stealing laptops, it was a little more serious charge. Safety Emanuel Cook was arrested Friday evening along with another student on a gun charge. While the investigation is conducted, Cook has been suspended from the university and is therefore ineligible to play football. Coach Steve Spurrier promptly used the cop out excuses to try to create reasoning for this players behavior. He claimed that Cook is a good kid who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think what he meant by this is that he has a bunch of thugs on his team that can't help but play with guns and break the law, the old " what'd I tell you about getting caught" admonition.
Now I know what every SC fan who reads this is thinking, " what about all of those Clemson players who routinely break the law and get out of it with no mention of it by the cops or the papers?" . "I'll tell you it's one big upstate conspiracy and if those guys played for us, they wouldn't be playing." "blah blah blah, If I can just make enough excuses, maybe we'll get some respect..." It's the same old song and dance, loads of excuses, and whipping out every piece of cobweb-covered garnet and black Gamecock apparel every time they're lucky enough to best us in football (the rate is about three times a decade now, or just about, and that's against Tommy, imagine if WE had a coach too). There is no conspiracy, and while we have some scary looking guys on our team, at least they have the class, or the intelligence, to keep themselves under control and eligible to play. It's an age old argument and until the Carolina faithful stop relying on the great Clemson conspiracies, they can never reach any level of competitiveness.

This news comes a day after "star" QB Blake Mitchell was suspended for the first game along with two other players. The players were suspended for skipping summer school classes at the university. I'm guessing this is a showing of their commitment to schooling, and their commitment to the team. If they cared about playing perhaps they would have cared about going to class. At least we can say this for Spurrier, that he is more of a disciplinarian than Lou Holtz ever was. The Gamecocks never really scare me ( or anyone else in the SEC or NCAA, for that matter) but who needs to fear them when they are taking themselves out of contention?

FRIDAY NEWS AND RECOMMENDATIONS... OH YEAH, AND, UH... 10 DAYS

NEWS

- The Men's basketball team has FINALLY released their schedule for this year. I guess I'll let it go this time. In all seriousness, I'm really excited to see how the team looks and to see the improvements that Purnell has made with the team this year. I really do think we've got something this year. We could do pretty darned good in conference play and (fingers crossed) we can get a low seed tourney bid. Great, now I jinxed us. Check out the schedule here.

- CJ Spiller and Jame Davis were named to the "Baller-Assed Player of the Year" preseason watch list, also known as the Walter Camp Award watch list. Check out the official Clemson AD release article here. It's a pretty high honor for a team to just have ONE player, but we have two out of a field of 35. We also join the likes of national powerhouse teams from last year that are fielding two players on the list to include West Virginia, USC (The real one), Wisconsin, Texas, LSU, Michigan (who had three), and Cal.

- DFIG readr Jasonl has made a Clemson Countdown Mac Widget for us. It's pretty cool and he even hosted it for us. We're attempting to make a Yahoo and Vista widget, but we're afraid that it won't be ready in time.

- The United States edged out Japan 23-20 in the World Championship of American Football (hosted by the International League, which has kind of taken over for NFL Europe) played in Japan. Basically, Japan's pros and semipros beat the junk out of a couple of former Syracuse/Temple/D3 players around for a few quarters and we came back to win in the end. The game itself was great due to the rainy/windy weather and the amount of clumsy play as well as the amount of pointless turnovers. It really felt like a AA high school game on steroids. For the record, even though Japan kind of outplayed us in the first half, we had the best and hardest hits. I will give Japan some credit though, I liked how they had "Japan" as a name plate on the back of their jerseys as opposed to their names.

- We gotta give run to TBIG for discovering this. Someone ordered a customized Willy Korn action figure from McFarlane Toys. You can read their "Start Willy Korn for the FSU game" diatribe here. Don't forget to check out some of the water heads in their comment section. Yeah, even you JasonL. WINK. Word is the guys from TBIG are bidding early and often to get the figure in hopes of some magical Indian in the Cupboard action. Oh, little Korn, you're the only one who understands me!

- The Wunderkind Korn got some snaps in a game situation with the first team offense in a recent practice. Cullen Harper faked an ankle sprain and Korn was sent in with no warning to test his readiness. Korn went 9 of 16 with 134 yards and a touchdown pass to La'Dante Harris.

- Word on the street is that the scrimmage that was scheduled for this coming Saturday for reasons unknown to us outside the program.

- According to sources that were at practice last night, CJ Spiller told several media outlets that he fully expects Death Valley to be as loud as ever come Labor Day. He thinks that the fans and the loudness will definitely play a factor in this years game. I for one can't wait for the Tigers to run down the hill as the ESPN cameras jostle from the crowd noise. Prime time slot on ESPN with a full capacity crowd? Shades of Georgia Tech year.

10 DAYS

Remember when we were #10 in the nation? Ahh, distant memories.


RECOMMENDATIONS

Willy Mac:

Beautiful Katamari - If you've ever played any of the other Katamari Damacy (literally Japanese for "clump spirit" or "school spirit"), then you know what to expect. Lots of fun from rolling up objects, people, cars, buildings, whales, parts of the earth, etc. I think what makes these games so much fun is their simplicity which echoes the greatness via simplistic themes from many old school video games like Contra, Mario Brothers, and Sonic. There is a full release demo available on X Box Live. Unfortunately, the PS3 version was canned early on, so it's only available on X Box 360. Expect it's release on October 16th of this year. The game can be pre-ordered via Amazon.com. Finally, an awesome Katamari game that is HD.

Awesomeness in a box, literally.

Bass Pro Shops Savory Bites - If you have a dog that you are having trouble training, or just want to get good treats for, then look no more. I've tried several treats with my dog, and nothing makes him go nuts like these things. They come in bacon, chicken, steak, and pork flavors. I can't find any info online about them, but they're there. Trust me. Great for medium to large sized breeds.

Chili:

Bob Saget Special: That Ain't Right - If you only know this man as wholesome Danny Tanner, you only know half the story. Saget cut his chops as a foul-mouthed comedian before being the questionably straight San Francisco gentleman with a house full of children. You can hear him occasionally on the Opie & Anthony Show on XM Radio, and he kills. Check him out Saturday, August 25th, 10 PM, on HBO.

FANTASY SPORTS UPDATE

No, we aren't talking about Georgia Tech fans' preseason hopes (Tashard Choice is apparently Jesus, Buddha, and Jim Brown rolled up and mushed together in one awesome package), we're talking about DFIG fantasy football. Click here, group number 27508, password levigarrett to join our NFL Fantasy league. We're in dire need of of a 12th team. Also, join up with Danny's B Team, our college football pick'em league. Group number 10176, password benchwarmer.

Conquer the fantasy league and receive the delicious Sausagewagon. DFIG's own Lada covered in savory cured meats.

13 DAYS... REGULATIN'

For some reason, Warren G and Nate Dogg just make things better.

16 DAYS UNTIL THE TIGER D PUNISHES THE NOLES

Still one of my favorite Clemson players of this decade.

AND THE INJURIES COME ROLLING IN

It's official, Clemson running back Ray Ray McElrathbey is out for the season after tearing his ACL during Thursdays' practice. This comes nearly a month after Ray Ray had arthroscopic (don't know what that means, but it sounds technical) knee surgery, which limited his conditioning routine during the off season. Perhaps this contributed to his injury, but to that we can only speculate. Ray Ray, whom I think was named DFIG's favorite named Clemson player last year, is a team favorite who won national attention when he took custody of his younger brother. It is clear that life has dealt Ray Ray a bad hand lately, with the added burden of raising his brother, completing coursework and playing football. Hopefully he will heal quickly and be ready to rejoin the team for the 2008 season.

At least they'll have more time to spend together this season

17 DAYS, MAN. 17 DAYS.

For our continuing countdown, here's an ESPN interview with Frank Howard from 1989.

18 DAYS UNTIL NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER.

Continuing our video countdown, I bring you another montage. This time from the awful film No Retreat, No Surrender. This has got to be one of the quintessential 80s montages and features the mandatory cheesy, inspirational music.

19 DAYS UNTIL YOUR PRODUCTION AT WORK DECREASES

I can't wait for the Clemson D to lay some big hits.

WE JUST GOT SERVED!

Sure enough, Willy Mac's anti-USC post caused a proud Gamecock supporter to take offense and attempt to set us straight. I began to respond to his missive in the comments section, but I soon realized this was too good to leave in the comments section and I had to surgically demolish his tired, lame argument for everyone to see. I will also sprinkle in nonsensical and overused gif animations I feel that Jack would enjoy. Below is Jack's take on our post:

You are clearly living in the past. One that would be at best a mediocre one. Spurrier will make a regular habit of beating Tommy just like he did his daddy!

Only ACC fans think they actually have a good conference. When was the last time the ACC won the National Championship? Try to keep in in this century if you don't mind....

ACC is a basketball conference only as far as national contenders. Florida State is washed up, Clemson is and will continue to be a contender for middle of the pack and Miami will be up and down.

Meanwhile the SEC will continue to be the premier conference in the NCAA and continue to rack up national champions.

Go Cocks!

AW MAN I JUST SERVED UP A DISH OF REALITY TO THOSE CLEMPSCUM FANS!

Wow, let's begin at the beginning:

1) "You are clearly living in the past. One that would be at best a mediocre one."

Firstly, sir, thank you for your comments and for reading our humble blog. You guys are a fun rival. You know, Jack, when one has a past to be proud of and worth discussion, you can accuse them of living in it. Especially when their site is called Danny Ford Is God. There is something to be said for a fanbase mired in the past, but I submit that while Clemson fans often reminisce, they are also looking ahead to the future through initiatives like the West Endzone project and changing the inner workings of IPTAY.
Jack, you should know better than to knock a school for living in the past when you subscribe to the wannabe-prophetic ramblings of the Sakerlina "intelligencia." Every school in the South knows every USC fan's favorite saying is "Wait till next year." Is living in the past as sad as wearing garnet-colored glasses and constantly overestimating your team's recruiting outlook, conference standings, and chances for the upcoming season? I will save my take on The Great Spurrier for another part of my response, but it's safe to say some of the same amazing predictions we heard at the start of the, ahem, "Lou Holtz Era" are now conveniently recycled. There's a reason your delusional Cock lovers are referred to by snickering rivals as pre-season national champions. Pardon me if I overuse the word delusional in this post, but it's just the most absolute perfect adjective to describe USC fans.

THIS IS HOW SPURRIER MAKES ME FEEL INSIDE MY BELLY!

2) "Spurrier will make a regular habit of beating Tommy just like he did his daddy!"

Let's now tackle another Sakerlina argument. Steve Spurrier is a great, great football coach. There's no doubt about that. USC fans have every reason to be elated he decided to take the paycheck and golf memberships and stop off at Columbia for a half decade or so. Though they've taken idol worship to a sickening new level, this is par for the course from the school that practically canonized Lou before he even got there. I respect the guy as a winner even if I think he's kind of a cunt when it comes to everything else. But his many accomplishments, Carolina faithful, have not been achieved at your school. His success as a Florida coach has fuckall to do with the Cocks. You can't claim his many admirable feats at Florida. Those are property of the Gators. You can't have them. Sorry, not yours. We can, however, deal with what the man has done to this point at USC. He is 1-1 against us and made a couple passive-aggressive swipes at us to the adoring media. He's made gains in recruiting, which is easier to do when your school will take any recruit who can legibly write his name because of the coach's whining and bitching. Not to mention those recruits who have been dropped....er... oversigned.

THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BEING IN THE SEC, A-SHE-SHE FANS!

3) "Blah blah blah SEC blah blah blah ACC blah blah basketball blah blah"

Textbook. Fucking textbook USC fan logic. Willy Mac laid it out pretty plain and simple that Clemson not only has more wins versus SEC teams than USC does and a higher winning percentage overall. Throughout Clemson's history they've had spirited rivalries (if, admittedly, one-sided) against a number of SEC teams whereas USC quit the ACC in the 70s because their basketball team could win the conference crown and go to the NCAA tournament (clearly not a football school then, either). They subsequently floundered as an independent before attaching themselves to the mighty SEC like a remora leeching the lifeblood from an infinitely more powerful shark.
Like a parasite they've been a bottomfeeder, contributed nothing, and served only to lessen the overall health of the host. Just as Clemson basketball fans do, when USC football fans are inevitably confronted with their overwhelming inadequacies they hide behind their mighty conference. All you are doing is saying "Hey, we may not be any good, but the teams who play us and beat our ass year in and year out are pretty damned nifty and could probably do the same to your team!" You are officially the little shit-talking dog with the badass friend from the old Warner Brothers cartoons.

LOL!!!! HOW DO I PRINT OUT AN ANIMATION!? I'M SENDING THIS'N FOR CHRISTMAS!

4) "Meanwhile the SEC will continue to be the premier conference in the NCAA and continue to rack up national champions."

Assuming you mean "national championships" and not national champions (maybe you are a USC graduate after all) this is likely true. Alabama, LSU, Georgia, and Florida are all going to be in the discussion for the near future. One team not included in that discussion, however, is your own. So shut the fuck up.

If this was a stand-up comedy act, this would be the point where I drop the mic on the ground and walk off to a standing ovation.

If this was a rap performance, here is where I would kick a hole in the speaker, pull the plug and then jet.

GOOD DAY SIR.

20 DAYS... SINCE IT'S PERTINENT

Make your time. All your TD are belong to us.

USC FANS: THE RETARDED LITTLE BROTHERS OF CLEMSON FANS

31-28 in Death Valley. There, I said it. Yeah, you beat us last year. Yeah, you beat us at home. Time to wake up though. Seriously. I'm tired of seeing all of this random sporadic bragging by the South Carolina mouth breather types on the internet. I'm also sick and tired of it outside the limits of the internet, you know, that place where us normal folks call the real world. The world where Clemson still holds a dominant 63-37-4 record over South Carolina.

You see what I did there? Get it? I combined a picture of a Homer with a picture of a Gamecock (Actually, Nolecc from Scalpem.com did). GET IT?

I'd like to examine some more important facts without sounding too much like "This is Gamecock Football". All facts provided by the College Football Data Warehouse. Here goes:

- You know how South Carolina fans are always talking about how hard their conference is and how terrible the ACC is? Well, against the ACC the Gamecocks are 189-238-22 overall. Eight of the twelve teams (Clemson, Florida State, Maryland, Miami, Georgia Tech, NC State, Duke, and UNC) hold a winning record over South Carolina. Might be best not to talk trash about a conference that has owned you. By the way, Clemson holds a 288-192-12 record in the ACC.

- You know the argument "Well the SEC is a better conference than the ACC. I bet you if Clemson was in the SEC they'd do worse." FALSE. We've played 280 games against the SEC and faired decently with a record of 109-157-14 (.414%). That's not only more games than the Gamecocks have played, but a better ratio than them as well. South Carolina has played 223 games against the SEC going a meager 68-145-10 (.327%). Hmm, guess that argument doesn't work either.

- Carolina's overall football record stands at 515-517-44 where as Clemson is 616-422-45. Wow, good luck next year cause I really hope you break even. On the all time wins list, Clemson ranks decently as 29th. Carolina is 60th. Other notable teams that bridge the gap between our two schools are Utah, Rutgers, Illinois, Kentucky, Central Michigan, Kansas, Vanderbilt, Tulsa, Louisiana Tech, and Baylor. On a list sorted percentage-wise Clemson comes in at 34th while the Gamecocks are 88th... out of 117 division 1-A teams.

- The Gamecocks hold only one regular season championship which is the 1969 ACC championship. That's a pretty bare trophy case if you ask me. Clemson has 13 ACC championships and one modern era AP National Championship. Granted Clemson is only 15-14 overall in bowl games, we still have 15 bowl victories and we've been to 29 recognized bowls. Carolina is only 4-9.

- I've heard a lot of my South Carolina friends rib me about how Clemson fans are rednecks. Ok yeah, we're an agriculture school. You're bound to have some farm boys in the mix. But both teams have their share of t-shirt fans and I think it's safe to say that USC probably holds the edge on us that category. I'll concede that defeat gladly. I worry about you guys sometimes, I really do. Also, a poorly photoshopped picture of Britney Spears in a Carolina football uniform doesn't help. On another celebrity note, having Dale Earnhardt Jr. as a big fan doesn't help your argument either. Not saying I don't like Jr. or NASCAR, but I'm just saying. Lastly, it's painfully obvious that Clemson has more stringent academic standards than South Carolina does making it a harder school to get into.

Wow, Britney Spears huh? You can have her. Funny how this photoshop was made with hindsight being 20/20.

- As I stated before, you beat us 31-28 last year. Wow, you beat us by three points in our house. I got one for you, we beat you by four points at your house the year before. Oh, and 22 points the year before that... and 46 the year before that... and seven the year before that. Cockpit, America? Please. I'd like to submit to the court room the following evidence:

Still gives me goosebumps.

DFIG's first taste of fame was ushered in with 117 Decibels.

- I'm sick and tired of all this Spurrier talk. You know what, we've heard it twice before with Brad Scott and Lou Holtz. He's not great till he has done something at Carolina. 15-10 isn't something. Granted he's a better coach than we have, head to head he's still 1-1 against us.

- Finally and most importantly... 63-37-4.