28 August 2006

The Holy Week of First Football is Upon Us...

From Virginia up, people are still mulling about their business, planning their "wicked awesome" weekend ahead of them that will more than likely involve a professional ballgame, a "hoagie", and some sort of mugging followed by a ride on a subcar that reeks of piss. Please, don't try to convince me otherwise with your overbearing Irish whiskey breath. For the sake of checks and balances, this is the north. The same north where in Connecticut they passed laws to stop keeping score in little league games. This is the same north that penalizes high school football programs for dropping major points on other teams. Look, I used to go to a school where we were the victim, but all I could think about is how I'd love to do the same exact thing to the other team. It's why man created sports... to drop 63 points on someone... mainly the Gamecocks. I suppose that next they're going to tell us it's not ok to finish something someone else started (Sorry but I had to work this in somehow... I love this picture).

In the Great Lake states, people are largely not even thinking about this weekend (Minus the big three: Michigan, Ohio State, and ND... And yes Tully, Michigan always comes before Ohio State. Go cry about it with the rest of the Ohio State gene pool.) That's what Friday afternoons are for in that region. They're still concerned about their crops not freezing and being as subtly Canadian as possible.

In the middle states (ie. The Dukes and Temples of the Big 12: Kansas, Iowa State, Colorado, minus Nebraska to some extent, and hell, even Kentucky, though they're still technically an SEC school), the stereotype is that people are up before the sun comes up and go to bed after the sun goes down, you know, those salt of the earth workdays. And all throughout the day, the only football they'll even come close to is the steroided, self-important version known as the NFL.

From Arizona up to Washington, well, football on any level isn't even a blip on the radar. Unless by football they mean tyke soccer... fucking sad. I'd like to throw a tantrum and explain how soccer is the scourge of the earth, but we can save that for a rainy day next March. Given, USC and Cal have great traditions and history, but the rest of that side of America is undeserving of college football. I doubt this blog will reach Washington, but I'll say it anyways. You've got some decent in state teams, so does Oregon, BUT YOU'VE GOT FUCKING AWFUL FANS. You're too concerned with the Seahawks.

There is a reason that Idaho to the Dakotas was left out. I don't think 8 track technology has even reached those people. It's fairly obvious that the love shared between two grown men has though... odd. Oh well, not much to do up there, but that's still no excuse. Chili once told me that Montana is God's country. He invited me to go fishing with him and a friend for a weekend a while back... I didn't go. They didn't bring back any fish either... hmm.

Now, from the Carolinas to Texas/Oklahoma, that's my bread and butter. This is the week in the South that millions of man hours are lost. If you wander over to any given teams message board, it's likely to be flooded with a hundred new posters who decided that it was pertinent to post content such as "I'm a lifelong fan. We're gonna go undefeated this year! GO [Insert team name]!!!!" Unfortunately, for those of us who actually post year round and don't let the start of football season TOTALLY jumblefuck our brains, this is the part of the year that is least fun for us. Just check out DSOT. Unfortunately, Clemson has redneck, illiterate yahoos just like every other real football school.

Sadly for the western states, mostly Texas with a little Oklahoma on the side, I've experienced first hand that they don't know how to tailgate. Don't get me wrong, extremely nice people who try really hard, but it's just not tailgating. They get an "A" for heart and effort, but the south still wins best in show. Now I'm sure you've heard in other blogs, message boards, or newspapers of southern tailgating. People tell of the real die hard fans rolling up in their RVs on Tuesday around noonish. Most of you think, "That's not true. They're just puffing out their chest and bullshitting me." No, as a whole, this is how southern schools do it. I've been offered a beer and a biscuit on may way to a Wednesday morning class. When experienced students rent off campus apartments, they don't look for quality, they look for how many people can fit on the floor on a Friday night before gameday.

There are sights, sounds, smells, tastes, feelings, and emotions that are strictly reserved for college football Saturdays in the south east. Sights such as Texas achieving their destiny against USC. Smells like bourbon and chicken in the noon sun. Tastes like a cold beer at 7 am. Feelings like the pulse of a stadium at the climax of a game. Emotions that are unacceptable and inappropriate in most public venues.

Because it's not soccer. Because we're born with it in our blood. Because the ties to the schools can go back several generations in some families. Because it's friends and family. Because it's what we believe in. Because it's fun. Because it's tradition. Because it lets you be young forever. Because no other sport on the face of this earth on any level can ever hold a flame to college football.