18 December 2007


Throughout this whole pre-bowl coach swap drama that's been going on in the college football world (not to mention our own brush with said drama) , I sat back and thought about how awesome it would be to go back in time through different eras with wanton disregard for the space/time continuum as well as the lines of reality with boatloads of cash to create my own hyper-masculine, bad-assed coaching staff for Clemson. I sought out coaches with certain characteristics and talents they might be able to teach to our team of youngsters. I have compiled some pretty pictures and flashy youtube clips for your enjoyment as a part of their respective resumes. This list can also be swapped for a super crime fighting force, but I'd rather have them coaching at Clemson myself.


Defensive line - Steve Lattimer
Nowadays he's busy being a chainsaw wielding psychopath, but back in the early 90s his business was hitting people so hard that they got snot bubbles. If you've ever seen the movie The Program then you know what I'm talking about. Sure he had a few run ins with the NCAA drug testing officials but I always say everyone deserves a second chance... or a third, whatever. Just don't get caught this time.

No resume need be submitted other than the following video clips:

That's commitment. Stick-to-it-iveness. Putting the teams needs before your own.

That's the type of energetic coach we need.

Linebackers and Defensive Coordinator - "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan

Jim Duggan: King of ass-kicking.

Going with the energetic theme, I think Duggan would be the perfect addition. Granted, you can't understand a word he says, but just think about how riled up he gets people. Defense is supposed to be chaotic anyways. Perhaps not this chaotic, but still... can you imagine 80+ thousand people chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!" and some Furman player going "But... we're from... America, too? These Clemson folks are some crazy fuckers."

I can only imagine a film session with him would be nothing short of entertaining. Nothing would get accomplished. "You shoulda been coverin' the flats and you blew your assignment! HOOOOOOOO!"

Defensive backs - Apollo Creed

We need the Apollo Creed from the original Rocky. The one that was a bad ass. The one that didn't like anyone if they weren't named Apollo Creed.

We're talking about speed, fast footwork, hitting people with your hands, and an arrogance/confidence hybrid. Who else would be perfect for the job? Let's just hope that there are no in conference opponents that have wide receivers that are seven feet tall, from Russia, and have inhuman strength. Also, Creed's entourage (to include a very drugged out James Brown constantly singing "Living in America" and that trainer that never really said anything till Rocky VI) would probably make things much more interesting and fun.


Offensive line - E. Honda

He could also maybe have some new ideas for eye black designs.

He is most known for his roles in the Street Fighter gaming series. I'll have to admit, he was not my first option for an offensive line coach. After contractual talks with the Juggernaut fell through, my administration was hard pressed to find a new candidate. Upon hearing that Mr. Honda was available and seeking a new job, we gave him a rang. Yes, he still has lighting fast hands and yes, he still uses his body as a projectile to take out opponents.

Quarterbacks - Tommy Frazier

"Simply untacklable" - The definition of Tommy Frazier found in the standard version of Merriam-Webster.

I was hard pressed as I had three candidates in mind. Jim McMahon would have been too drunk to stand, let alone coach ("I'm too drunk, you got me!"). Woody Dantzler was my next choice, but something told me to go with Tommy. There were a few reasons I chose Frazier. The first being that he did so well for life to turn around and take a dump on him. The second being my man needs a job and that's one less trip I'd have to take in my time machine (Duke Power's billing center thanks me for one less "Obscene Overuse Statement" that they would have had to file). Lastly and most importantly, aside from Bowden, he's the most experienced person when it comes to embarrassing a Steve Spurrier coached team in a nationally televised game.

Running backs -Tecmo Bo
Be honest, if you've ever played Tecmo Bowl back in the day, you knew that you were playing with the Bills because of Thurman Thomas, or the Raiders cause of Bo Jackson. Perhaps he could teach our running backs of his secrets. Tired of the Bowden approach of trying to win/tie games at the least second via kicking an awkwardly spotted, distant prayer of a field goal, why not just expire the remaining time you would use on the final drive in one single running play culminating with a touchdown? Somewhere Danny Ford is enjoying an ice cold PBR and nodding with approval.

Simply maddening. If you weren't on Bo's team, you lost. My cousin's gaming skills still haunt me to this day. This is also a great example of the most effective way to outrun eleven pink alligators.

Receivers - Charlie Tweeder
Tweeder was an all-state receiver out of West Canaan High in Texas that had a largely unknown yet stellar career at a small division 1-AA school. Although he is the equivalent to a loose cannon on a rolling deck, his recruitment skills would be perfect to pick up where the current staff would leave off.

Just a few quotes that might help break the ice for recruits on a visit talking with Tweeder:
"Hey you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance?... [Tweeder dances] You know what it's called?... The new Tweeder end zone dance."
"...Bitches are all just panty droppers. You understand? That's it... give 'em Percocet, two Vicoden and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It's very nice... It's niiiiiice."
"[Insert recruit name here] you're under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue, now take off your clothes and get in the police car."

A kind of guy that the kids could relate to. He'd be great on the recruiting trail.

Head coach and Offensive Coordinator - Danny Ford
This was a no brainer, huh? I would go back to January 19, 1990 and pick up that Danny as he'd be the best version we could get. I would have a few stipulations he'd probably be more than willing to agree with. One of those would be to just get rid of tight ends all together and to recruit more fullbacks and linemen. The next would be to get back to Clemson hard nosed football.

Rumors and lore state that after a ball game if coach Ford thought the officials did a good job and if his team won he sent a few cases of beer over to the officials locker room. Ah the glory days of college football before political correctness, NCAA investigators, and news media red tape got involved.

Special Teams - Ultimate Warrior
Special teams don't make any sense to me. Plus you don't really need a pep talk. You just need someone to sound like they're straining to shit out a twenty pound bowling ball while flexing their muscles and then say "Smear the fuckin' queer." Although, he might try to force some really conservative bat shit crazy Republican values on our guys, resulting in the same kinda problems we have now... no... wait... nothing is worse than what we have now. Go, Warrior go. Plus, who else is better than turning momentum around in a fight?

Yeah... what he said... Now go out there... and... uh... yeah.