Throughout this whole pre-bowl coach swap drama that's been going on in the college football world (not to mention our own brush with said drama) , I sat back and thought about how awesome it would be to go back in time through different eras with wanton disregard for the space/time continuum as well as the lines of reality with boatloads of cash to create my own hyper-masculine, bad-assed coaching staff for Clemson. I sought out coaches with certain characteristics and talents they might be able to teach to our team of youngsters. I have compiled some pretty pictures and flashy youtube clips for your enjoyment as a part of their respective resumes. This list can also be swapped for a super crime fighting force, but I'd rather have them coaching at Clemson myself.
Defensive line - Steve Lattimer
Nowadays he's busy being a chainsaw wielding psychopath, but back in the early 90s his business was hitting people so hard that they got snot bubbles. If you've ever seen the movie The Program then you know what I'm talking about. Sure he had a few run ins with the NCAA drug testing officials but I always say everyone deserves a second chance... or a third, whatever. Just don't get caught this time.
No resume need be submitted other than the following video clips:
Linebackers and Defensive Coordinator - "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
Going with the energetic theme, I think Duggan would be the perfect addition. Granted, you can't understand a word he says, but just think about how riled up he gets people. Defense is supposed to be chaotic anyways. Perhaps not this chaotic, but still... can you imagine 80+ thousand people chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!" and some Furman player going "But... we're from... America, too? These Clemson folks are some crazy fuckers."
Defensive backs - Apollo Creed
Offensive line - E. Honda
He is most known for his roles in the Street Fighter gaming series. I'll have to admit, he was not my first option for an offensive line coach. After contractual talks with the Juggernaut fell through, my administration was hard pressed to find a new candidate. Upon hearing that Mr. Honda was available and seeking a new job, we gave him a rang. Yes, he still has lighting fast hands and yes, he still uses his body as a projectile to take out opponents.
Quarterbacks - Tommy Frazier
I was hard pressed as I had three candidates in mind. Jim McMahon would have been too drunk to stand, let alone coach ("I'm too drunk, you got me!"). Woody Dantzler was my next choice, but something told me to go with Tommy. There were a few reasons I chose Frazier. The first being that he did so well for life to turn around and take a dump on him. The second being my man needs a job and that's one less trip I'd have to take in my time machine (Duke Power's billing center thanks me for one less "Obscene Overuse Statement" that they would have had to file). Lastly and most importantly, aside from Bowden, he's the most experienced person when it comes to embarrassing a Steve Spurrier coached team in a nationally televised game.
Running backs -Tecmo Bo
Receivers - Charlie Tweeder
Tweeder was an all-state receiver out of West Canaan High in Texas that had a largely unknown yet stellar career at a small division 1-AA school. Although he is the equivalent to a loose cannon on a rolling deck, his recruitment skills would be perfect to pick up where the current staff would leave off.
Just a few quotes that might help break the ice for recruits on a visit talking with Tweeder:
"Hey you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance?... [Tweeder dances] You know what it's called?... The new Tweeder end zone dance."
"...Bitches are all just panty droppers. You understand? That's it... give 'em Percocet, two Vicoden and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It's very nice... It's niiiiiice."
"[Insert recruit name here] you're under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue, now take off your clothes and get in the police car."
Head coach and Offensive Coordinator - Danny Ford
This was a no brainer, huh? I would go back to January 19, 1990 and pick up that Danny as he'd be the best version we could get. I would have a few stipulations he'd probably be more than willing to agree with. One of those would be to just get rid of tight ends all together and to recruit more fullbacks and linemen. The next would be to get back to Clemson hard nosed football.
Special Teams - Ultimate Warrior
Special teams don't make any sense to me. Plus you don't really need a pep talk. You just need someone to sound like they're straining to shit out a twenty pound bowling ball while flexing their muscles and then say "Smear the fuckin' queer." Although, he might try to force some really conservative bat shit crazy Republican values on our guys, resulting in the same kinda problems we have now... no... wait... nothing is worse than what we have now. Go, Warrior go. Plus, who else is better than turning momentum around in a fight?