DSOT 20: NO COUNTRY FOR DUMB POSTS

While you were pimping your duck, I was trolling Tigernet.

I've heard this same Sakerlina joke in a dozen chain emails and, no, it's not funny there either.




Some places put fluoride in the water, in Ninety-Six they add lead.




If you are a high school graduate there are only 2 reasons to watch a high school football game: you have a family member on one of the teams, or you are a coach. If you are attending to watch recruits for your college team of choice then it is almost a given that you are a mouthbreathing creep. I also love it how this guy asks who else will be attending, like droves of other fans can't wait to go watch mediocre football from aluminum bleachers. "Gonna follow any recruits?" uh... not back to their houses to stare through the windows like this guy probably will.




Because inquisitive drunks want to know.




Reminiscing about a "classic" zinger from the morning's comic pages in real life would get you open-mouth stares like you had a dick growing out your ear. Doing it on a messageboard just gets you DSOTed. There have been some terrible and nonsensical Spurrier on Tigernet but this one might beat all.




I LOVE LAMP. EMOTING IS HARD.




Victory=Turtlehead.




And I leave you with this gem from the Fighting Gamecock Forum, where every post is dumb shit. It is nice to see a little self analysis from the cluckers, even though this guy probably got banned for his troubles.

DUMB SHIT ON TIGERNET.... COACHING MELTDOWNNNNNN

If Danny came back to coach the Peach, we'd have to have a badass late 70's black and white montage with this as the theme music. A las, these thoughts will only live on as dreams and dreams only.

The master plan revealed!


Personally I hope our new coach is more devoutly Christian than Tommy was. I heard there was a guy named Yusef on the team once, and I am NOT comfortable with that. Old testament names from now on, please. Don't even get me started on that snitch who went to the ACLU.


I would assume it'll be confused, painfully unfunny, and generally dumb. Coaches can change but boards cannot.

He made me laugh and cry. A fun 9 year run. Tommy Bowden, ladies and gentlemen; a football coach or a broadway show?

Touche'.

If Danny came back to coach the Peach, we'd win it by so much they'd fly us to New Orleans to play the winner of the championship game. Bank on it.

YOU'RE A LIAR! THE GAME NEVER PASSED DANNY BY, HE PASSED THE GAME BY!

This is the SEC, y'all. This is a big deal.

Oh yes, let's get the board's opinion.

Someone made a post saying "i am a hot girl please explain the coaching situation to me" and CHAOS ensues. Of course everyone saying they're a hot chick online is a hot chick, amirite?

In mere minutes, the board is flooded.

*jacking stops*

DUMB SHIT ON TIGERNET 18: DUMB HARDER

For the 18th installment of DSOT, the hot issue is Tommy Bowden's contract extension. Enjoy.


Posts like this are the reason I'm sick of Tigernet. It's not so much that there's a big, dumb herd mentality, it's more that it's a big, dumb herd mentality that refuses to pay any mind to any opinions that differ from theirs.



I'M SO ANGRY AT YOU FOR NOT LIKING TOMMY BOWDEN THAT I WANT TO WET YOU DOWN AND ANALLY PENETRATE YOU... wait... what?



This guy is one of the dopes who thinks you have to be a Bowden uber-fan or you're not a Clemson fan. This guy is probably just some sidewalk alum who has only been around for the Tommy West/Tommy Bowden era and only sets foot on campus on Saturdays. I've said it before, I'm a graduate of Clemson University, not Bowden University. Doesn't mean I hate the guy, but it means I put the greater good of the school and its team ahead of one man.



Some of my favorite posts are when some of the Tigernetters try to sound slick and clever. Why aren't people outraged just as much at basketball's collapse as they were at football's collapse? Because one is Clemson basketball... and the other is Clemson football. One coach has been there 9 years, the other 4. One program has multiple postseason victories and All-Americans, the other has a WNBA coach as their most famous alum.




Yeah, because you have to be a high level athletics administrator to say anything negative about our team or coach! Prior to stating that I might have reservations about playcalling or coaching in general I better have the right credentials, because surely being a fan or alumni only allows you the right to go to games, clap, or shut the fuck up. If I'm criticizing I must be an enraged, fanatic moron! I must be a genius to criticize coaching. Yeah, well I guess technically it would take a genius to comprehend why we throw three yards behind the first down marker on third down consistently and refuse to run the ball with our top-tier backfield in goal line situations when it counts most. It would definitely take a fucking mental giant to comprehend that.

You know who else slammed all dissenting voices?

That's right... NAZIS.



Another type of post that never fails to amuse me are these desperate missives meant to appeal to the nonexistent football recruits who are "constantly" cruising Tigernet. I'm friends with a lot of current and past Clemson players, and I can assure you, while they sometimes check out Rivals or Scout, the fringe messageboards are virtually nonexistent to them. Hell I can barely stand to wade through the shit on Tigernet to cull these gems, you think a recruit wants to slop through the intellectual wasteland to maybe see his name mentioned?



Thank God there are still some posters like this on Tigernet to not make it a complete and utter embarrassment of sunshine pumping loonies. Most, if not all, of his sentiments have been echoed by us here at DFIG.



Of course the minute someone posts a thoughtful and well conceived post that goes against the grain they are immediately blasted. I swear to God some of these people are actually proud of being "top Tigernet posters." That's like being the tallest midget at the circus, people. Wakka wakka.



Although I did laugh at this a little bit.



Maybe one of the greatest posts I've ever seen on Tigernet.

DSOT: VT MELTDOWN EDITION

Along with the normal selection of drivel, we present some posts that are level headed and offer fair assessments of how most fans, including us, feel about the perennial tease that is Clemson football.

Well, uh… yeah.

Yes, let’s go with either 1) a guy who has spent his lifetime on the west coast with zero familiarity with the Southern recruiting trail and no desire to leave the Pac-10 or 2) the guy who is successfully coaching at his alma mater with 0 restrictions on recruiting idiots or criminals, he’s sure to want to jump ship to come to Clemson and have his hands tied.

Actually, I’d rather not have to read these stupid fucking questions. Why don’t you make one of those folded paper fortune tellers like all the other middle school girls?

Sometimes I wish I could be this full of hope, bathed in the bliss of ignorance. When I read this post I just pictured the scene from Reservoir Dogs where Harvey Keitel keeps telling the shot up, bloody, and dying Mr. Orange “You’re gonna be okaaaaaay! Say it! You’re not gonna fuckin’ die!” Keep holding out hope, Mr. White.

How retarded are you to type this much drivel and not realize at least a couple sentences in that it is unadulterated garbage? No, no, I’m not talking about DSOT, I mean this post.

Yeah! There’s no way the HEAD COACH can be responsible for special teams, it’s just 1/3rd of the damned gameplan, not a big deal. He’ll fix everything in the off season, just like he did between last year and this one…. oh… wait. Also, you love him? Dude.

Blah, blah, I’m old. Queue the old “We don’t need games to get drunk” line.

Come to think of it, the two guys have a lot in common.

I don’t know, the guy did coach WILLY KORN, this poster might be on to something.

Basically, for Bowden to stay, most people want him to win out, make them breakfast for a week, and give them a homemade coupon book for massages and chores around the house, fair trade I think.

My friend Biff once told me about a kid he met while counseling at summer camp who told him “Everything Kenny Loggins touches is gold.” Such knowledge and insight from children is always startling and heartwarming to hear.

The following posts are how most Clemson fans are feeling.

Done and done.

Unfortunately there’s a lot of truth to this statement, at least in regards to the administration. As always, money talks, and if the major donors want Tommy out it won’t matter what TDP thinks.

I know a slogan bantered about by a lot of people is “We’re Clemson, we’re better than that,” but I’d sorta love to not be for a couple years. I echo this guy’s sentiments almost 100%.

Want to know how DFIG feels about this Tigers team? This is it, verbatim.

THE GREATEST POST EVER

I now present you the greatest post in the history of Tigernet. Yes, that’s an ELO reference at the end. Somewhere in Seattle, Tully nods in approval.

DUMB SHIT ON TIGERNET VOL. 16

It's been a very long time since the last installment of Dumb Shit on Tigernet. The Mojave Desert of sports nothingness that is "downtime" was not only a desperate time for college football fans, but was a miserable time for fans of moronic messageboard posts. As the season crept closer, the posts got dumber, and I was there to cull the floaters. I have a bunch of gems for you today, and I finish off with a cheap joke that I'm not at all proud of. Enjoy.



4:15 pm. DFIG, The Internet.

It is official.

You are a dumbfuck.



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ATTN: DESPERATELY SEEKING HUGE COCK! T-MAIL ME!




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It amazes me that this person has the mental acuity to turn a computer on, much less master the intricacies of posting on a message board. Maybe he's a retard with a speak-n-type headset, who knows?




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Fulmer and good fit haven't belonged in the same sentence since Dockers stopped carrying husky-sized slacks with comfort-stretch waistbands.




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Oh man, that's fucking HYSTERICAL. You should put that in an email and send it to like 1000 people! Please note that this post is from today, not 3 weeks ago when this gem first made it's way into unwilling email inboxes everywhere.




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If you ever wondered if some overeager football fans really do creep around high schools to watch 16 year olds who have an off shot at maybe one day playing at their favorite college, wonder no more.




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FUCK ITPAY AND FCUK THEIR PONITS SYSETM! ANGER SHARKS ARE SWIMMING!




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Jesus, I don't even know where to begin with this one. Here, you take it.





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How DARE you post an article that does something other than shower praise and sunshine upon our affable Tigers! I banish you! You are now banned from the land of rainbow clouds and gumdrop hailstorms, where everyone is equipped with orange colored glasses.




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NERD! HA! Seriously, can I get slops on that magazine, I need to beat Sambo. In all seriousness, I missed our FF draft this year but the computer gave me some sick players.




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Why even make this fucking argument? It's all some sick, twisted shit. This is when pointless, Colin Cowherd-like sports-radio arguments that are tailor-made for people who just like to hear themselves scream.




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So I went to the Tech Support Forums and started posting questions about cover packages and nickel defenses and nobody responded.




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I'd love to say sloppy blowjobs, but the answer is more along the lines of cheering, occasional flips.




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I'll not question your "alliegence," sir, but your intelligence is in serious doubt.




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Sometimes I post things on DSOT that are not dumb at all, but just fucking true. This is one of them. Hey, Mac's, DON'T PUT MILKSHAKES ON THE MENU IF YOU ACT LIKE MAKING THEM IS AS PAINFUL AS A 10 PENNY NAIL BEING DRIVEN INTO YOUR FLACID DICKHOLE.




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Haha, you don't have any friends!




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Wow, we actually found the one person who enjoyed "Who's Now?"




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At least he's adamant and proud about ruining a Clemson tradition.




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Congratulations. The line of people who give a fuck starts over there. Yes, that's it, the empty room over there. That barren, gaping, empty void.




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HAHAHA OHHHH MAN!!! YOU DAMAN!!!! Too bad you weren't DaBorted! ROTFLMAO




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Everyone knows that voting in arbitrary, nonscientific fan polls increases the prestige of your university.




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So, my wife was giving me a Ted Roof and she started moving her finger closer to my Spurrier. I was like "meh" but she went ahead and gave me the ol two-knuckler. So I pulled it out and stuck my Nick Saban in her ol' Tommy Bowden. That'll teach her.




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The musings of an idiot. This kind of reminds of the ramblings of a Faulknerian manchild.




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This Clemson fan might be the only person more obsessed with Spurrier than S. Carolina fans.




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I have no idea what the hell you just said.




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I didn't post this for the observation in the post but for the dopey exchange below it with captain oblivious.




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If you begin (and end, in this case) your post with "DT talk... nothing more, nothing less" then you KNOW, you just KNOW, you're posting something fucking dumb. So just stop. Click cancel. Walk away. Don't do it. Otherwise, you fine yourself prognosticating over ball distribution to our backfield. Props to this guy for his statistical prowess, but save your effort, man.



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Uh... only if his last name was Vin.



That's all for now. Before you post that next angry diatribe on Tigernet, remember, I'm watching.