22 October 2007

EXTREME KORN REPORT: OMFG EDITION

INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY, PERFECT FOR EXTREME KORN REPORT.

YOU KNOW THAT PART IN FAST AND FURIOUS (WHICH ONE? SHIT, ANY) WHERE THE ONE EXTREME WIFE-BEATER WEARING KINDA SPANISHY DUDE LOSES HIS CAR IN A BADASS STREET RACE? AND, LIKE, HE’S TORN THE FUCK UP BECAUSE HE JUST LOST HIS SWEET ASS RICER WITH ONE OF THOSE AWESOME LOUD ASS MUFFLERS? MULTIPLY THAT BY A BILLION AND THAT’S ONE TENTH OF HOW I FEEL TODAY. NOT EXTREME. NOT EXTREME AT ALL, PLANETEERS.

KORN IS….

GOD I CAN’T EVEN SAY IT

REDSHIRTED.


(YOU CAN’T SEE IT BECAUSE IT’S THE INTERNET BUT I JUST SHED A SINGLE TEAR, BECAUSE THAT’S THE MOST YOU CAN CRY WITHOUT BEING A FAG)

THE COACHING STAFF WON’T MENTION IT, BUT THE DEAL IS THIS: KORN WAS THROWING TOUCHDOWN PASSES SO DAMNED HARD THAT HE EXPLODED HIS SHOULDER OR SOME SHIT, AND NOW IS “SUPPOSEDLY” INJURED. WHICH WE KNOW IS A FALLACY BECAUSE HE HAS HEALING POWERS THAT CHUCK NORRIS INTERNET MEMES COULD ONLY DREAM OF ALSO I’M DRUNK.

SO WHY IS KORN HOLDING HIMSELF OUT? HERE ARE SOME POSSIBLE ANSWERS:

1) TO HAVE HIS LAST SEMESTER COINCIDE WITH THE FINAL YEAR OF THE MAYAN CALENDAR (AND PROBABLY THE WORLD) IN 2012.

2) TO HAVE MORE TIME TO READ E.K.R.

3) HE LOST A BET WITH CULLEN HARPER AND HAD TO EITHER KILL HIMSELF OR REDSHIRT. OF COURSE A KORN IS IMMORTAL AND CANNOT KILL ITSELF, IT MUST BE BEHEADED BY ANOTHER KORN, JACKASSES.

4) AIDS

5) THIS SPACE LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK.


I DON’T KNOW WHY KORN IS SANDBAGGIN. THEN AGAIN I DON’T TRY AND UNDERSTAND WILLY KORN, THAT’S LITERALLY HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!1!!1!


LOOK, WILLY, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, AND GOD I HOPE YOU ARE, PLEASE WILL YOURSELF HEALED. COME BACK TO US. MY LIFE HAS LOST ALL MEANING. ONLY SWEET, SWEET BOOZE CAN SOOTHE MY SOUL NOW. I HAVEN’T BATHED, I STOPPED GOING TO WORK, MY DIET CONSISTS OF FRIED BALONEY SANDWICHES COVERED IN RAMEN NOODLE SEASONING. CAN YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE… I MEAN SERIOUSLY COMPREHEND… THAT I HAD TO WATCH TRIBBLE FUCKING REESE AT QUARTERBACK? MOTHERFUCKER NAMED AFTER A STAR TRAK EPPY. COME BACK KORN, COME BACK! I'LL SUM UP MY FEELINGS WITH THE FOLLOWING CLIP FROM BLUE VELVET.


CULLEN HARPER? FUCK THAT SHIT. WILLY FUCKIN KORN!

at

7 comments:

  1. Anonymous10/22/07, 8:16 PM

    Bowden will go 6-6. Korn & Spiller will Bolt. Bowden will not be set free.

    We are doomed to be average for all eternity.

    But it could be worse. We could still have Hatfield. Still wondering who the Hell made that hire decision...

    Hey, anybody seen the new IPTAY Seating map clearly????

    ReplyDelete
  2. Chili10/22/07, 8:34 PM

    There is a remote possibility (extremely remote) that we go 6-6. Korn & Spiller would not leave if we did, that's sort of absurd, highly negative thinking.
    The IPTAY seating map is nuts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bowden_is_a_Millionaire10/23/07, 1:34 AM

    It's about time they redshitted him. Harper isn't Proctor, so Korn can take a seat.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous10/23/07, 9:16 AM

    Agreed about the record,but Spiller and Davis aint going nowhere.6&6 will get that sissy fired;hell,I think anything short of 8&4 with a win over the chickens gets him canned.So rejoice brethren;only 5 more weeks until this nightmare known as the Tommy Bowden era is over.

    ReplyDelete
  5. DwightClark8710/23/07, 2:43 PM

    I'm late to the party, but goddamn it, it's good to see the return of EKR! Korn can actually see into the future, and knows that to become the overall number one pick by the Miami Dolphins in the 2012 NFL Draft, he will have to follow the course he is currently on. Once drafted, he will break all the records established by his illegitimate father Dan Marino, lead the team to five undefeated seasons and usher in the apocalypse. Korn is smart. Bowden, not so much. However, I don't see Terry Don giving enough of a crap about football and championships to advocate the dismissal of his buddy Tommy.

    Just to answer anonymous' question, I think it was that retard Max Lennon who hired Ken "purple helmet" Hatfield. Yes, Lennon, the same idiot that fired our fiery-faced Lord, Danny Ford. It could have been Bobby Robinson, but I seriously doubt he had the stones to get rid of Danny.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous10/23/07, 6:15 PM

    Whoever does the EKR, you are the GREATEST..well, next to Korn! I have been laughing for the last 15 minutes. Don't worry, his time is coming. Cullen can fill the duties till then...afterall, he isn't Proctor!

    GO WILLY!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Bowden_is_a_Millionaire10/26/07, 6:37 AM

    anonymous,

    Here is the funny part. Bowden will win the rest of the ACC Games. Including Boston College. The trick is that we lose to USC and Boston College only loses to Clemson. So Boston College goes to the ACC Championship game ahead of Clemson anyway. This means that the Tigers go 10-3 after its win in the Gator Bowl against a shit Texas team. We don't win the ACC but we get a 10 win season and the slaves rehire Bowden. "But Bowden gave us ten wins you guys, maybe next year is his year". It will be so great.

    ReplyDelete